#21 Pyaaz Bytes: Stress, Mindfullness and Power of 10 P.M.

Hello Readers,

What is it about 10 PM that brings the incredible gift of purpose, focus and hope in my life?

Before 10 PM today, I was living in utter purgatory. I was feeling incredibly stressed since morning, I was unable to concentrate on my work, I was freaking out every 5 mins about everything and I just wanted to lie down and cry, a lot. I was even about to cry during the session with my therapist because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Nothing was happening right.

After 10 PM, everything changed. The breeze became cooler. I was able to put myself in a chair and open my laptop to work. I was able to find the right avenues for job search. It felt like some magic had happened and I was destined to be here. I started to feel that everything is not wrong with my life and I can get out of every bad situation I find myself in. Most importantly, I started seeing hope.

This is not the first time this has happened. Nighttime brings incredible vigor and focus sometimes. However, it also leads to myself being drained out the entire day, feeling stressed, anxious and incredibly tired. Hence, night time madness is not a sustainable solution for me. I do find comfort in the night but I need to find an ideal time to sleep so that I could wake up a little early in the morning to maintain my newly decided routine, which has become too distorted currently due to PMS and periods.

Today was one of the days when I was unable to take control of my thoughts and emotions. I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed the entire day. I was not able to relax or rest even if I tried to because I was stressed about work, not that I was able to get any important work done today due to feeling overwhelmed and it formed a vicious cycle. I did not even feel hungry all day. My body was hungry but I was not, which led to erratic meals. I decided to cook cabbage because I had the dough to make rotis. So I suppressed my urge to order from outside and cooked. However, the dough was very less, which led to two very small rotis, one of which got burned. After some time, my body was hungry again and I thought maybe I would feel good if I eat something. Hence, I ordered 2 frankies from Yo Frankie. Unfortunately, they turned out to be too spicy. Even a person who likes spicy food would not have been able to eat it. I was only able to eat one, that too with a lot of difficulty and called up Swiggy to return my money, which they did not. Instead, I got a coupon for Rs.95 which would expire in 30 days. I paid Rs.130. It was a loss my baniya brain would never forget. 😛

I then went out for a haircut, as my hair was not in great shape due to enormous hair fall, and I hoped going out would calm me a little. I even got a highlight and hair spa. The hair got too short but I like it. I have had long hair for too long, though long hair looks good on me. I hope my hair tangles less now and my hair fall reduces. My head does feel incredibly light now.

During my therapy session, I was so overwhelmed that I could not even listen to my therapist attentively. She did manage to get me in a better state by the end of the session (a good therapist is a blessing tbh), and reiterated the importance of mindfulness. Mindfulness is this incredible practice where we focus on the present while doing any task, ergo, be mindful of the task. We can do this my activating our senses and then the mind will follow suit. One can start by practicing it for at least 2 minutes a day, while doing anything, even a mundane task.

For example, I decided to practice it while kneading the dough tonight. I activated my sense of hearing and heard the fan and the flickering of the tube light. I activated my sense of sight and focused on the white colour of the flour, which was twisting and changing while being kneaded. I activated my sense of touch, feeling the texture of the dough, how it was dry before and then started becoming wet and sticky.

Sounds simple, right? No, it isn’t. At least not for me. My monkey mind kept wandering. It kept thinking what to do next, what to write on my blog, what to do tomorrow…blah blah blah. To be honest, it was just thinking the way it is used to thinking. Hence, when I was trying something new, it was being met with a lot of resistance. My therapist had told me that this will happen, it is completely normal and this will change time and practice. I did realize how I always keep thinking about “the next thing” while doing anything and never live in the present. Practicing mindfulness might help me and keep me more grounded and less overwhelmed. I have decided to practice it at least for 2 minutes a day while cooking. Let’s see what happens.

Other than the things which happened after 10 PM, there were a few other good things which happened today. My video about Menstrual Cups was well received and sparked a conversation about the ladies on my alumni group. I also received compliments for it from my girl friends. Some of my girl friends also flattered me with compliments about my looks and my hair and made me feel like a diva. Girl friends are the best thing. I love and cherish mine.

I feel exhausted right now, even though I feel like writing more or reading a book, I think I should at least try to get back to my schedule again, slowly and steadily. I hope to do some exercise tomorrow, eat healthy, get work done and not feel overwhelmed as I did today. I also feel that I should not write this blog as it is too personal and it should not be in the public space. I do not have a problem with it but future employers might. I do not know to be honest. On one hand I want a job but I also do not want to work somewhere which suppresses free speech. Let me know your thoughts about it.

Here’s to 1109 words of despair and hope for today.

Cheers!

Let’s Imagine

I was talking to a relative of mine today, let’s call her Meena, and the topic of discussion was (any guesse?), the spreading of the rona (No shit Sherlock!).

 Meena told me how the virus was spreading even more now due to the easing of lockdown. It is true. The cases were bound to increase due to the increased contact. However, how long could we have lived under the lockdown, given that the economy needs to run too. When I told her this, she said that how it was all because of migrant laborers. They could have just stayed where they were and prevent the spread. They anyways would not have anything back home.

 I asked her what they would have eaten. She told that she has seen on the news and around her how they were being provided food and ration kits by NGOs and the government. I did not ask any questions after that because it would have led to an argument and “disrespect” towards her as she is much elder to me, as it is among many families. This is how dissent is killed in the house.

Anyways, I began thinking more deeply about what she had said. My first thought was that she did not say anything wrong according to her perspective. They are getting food and ration kits at many places and yes, they have meagre resources even in their native places, given the deplorable state of poor in the country (“Sabka Vikas” they said).

However, even if we assume, and that is a capital IF, that all the migrants are getting ration kits, there are still several gaps in the quondam observation. What about the fuel? Is the quantity of ration enough for the entire family? For how many days can they live on one kit and when will it be replenished?

 If they are being given ready-made food, what is the mode? For how many hours do they have to stand in line for a meal? How far they have to go for it? How is it not breaking the social distancing norms? Can children, pregnant women or the old access the food? Can one member bring food for everybody and are their stomachs filled?

The biggest question of all, how long can they continue living on this charity?

Our general tendency is to think that those people are already poor and they are used to living like this. We are wrong. The migrant laborers are not beggars and they are not used to living on charity. They have come hundreds of kilometres away from their villages and living in ramshackle slums or on the street, but are still working hard to make ends meet. Enough talk, now let us do a thought experiment.

I know it might be tough, but let’s imagine. Imagine yourself in a metropolis. You are away from your family, living with 6 people, employed in a similar job as you, in a 2bhk as it is the only way you can afford to pay the rent. You know there is something called Karuna virus but it is not affecting you as of now. On a fateful night at 8 p.m., the Prime Minister announced that a lock-down will be imposed in the next four hours. You are dumbstruck. You do not know what to do. You and your flatmates quickly scramble some money and go out to buy the supplies. The crowd is huge in all the shops but you all persevere and bring the ration which would last a few days. By the next week, your company begins downsizing and you lose your job. Your flatmates suffer from the same fate. You start scraping the food off your plate to satisfy your hunger. Your landlord keeps calling you to pay the rent or else and you keep delaying it. The ration got over faster than you imagined and your savings have dried up too. Your flatmates do not have enough to sustain you either. Your family is unable to send any money as other members need it too right now. You find an NGO which is distributing food 5 kms away and you have to walk in the scorching heat for one meal. You don’t know what will happen next. Your energy is draining everyday. No jobs are open for you. You hate standing in the line for 3 hours for a meal. You fear contamination. You see no hope.

Would you not be desperate to at least be with your family? How long could you live on the charity of an NGO or a local politician? What if the funding of the food provider stops any day? What happens then? How long would you have waited for any news to come or anybody to provide you with the means of transport to take you home in these times of extreme uncertainty? Imagine the physical and psychological implications it would have on you, who gets sad if your favorite shoes gets sold out on Myntra.

They waited for more than 2 months with no job, very limited food obtained via charity, a pregnant wife, small children, old parents in a tiny one room at a slum. How hopeless they must have felt before they decided to walk for hundreds of kilometres with their luggage and small children, during a situation where no dhabas or shops would be open on the way to give them some respite. They began to walk and we blamed them. The government provided trains (better late than never) and more than 80 people have died on them due to lack of food and water despite the assurance that they will be provided for. How dare we blame them?

People like us are flocking on airplanes and non-shramik trains to go to places. Why are we not blaming them for the spread? Why are we blaming only the poor, who have been made helpless by the likes of us?

Most of us, the privileged, are sitting at home, watching the shit shows which are still being branded as news, eating chips and making social commentary. How dare any of us question the migrants for wanting to go home? If we cannot help them, we can at least empathize, understand and question the entire broken system which have resulted in this havoc. No, I am not talking about the havoc of the pandemic. The system was already broken, and the pandemic is showing us the manifestations of it.

Would you have liked if you were suffering being treated the same way as the migrants?

I know it’s a tough one but just for a minute, imagine yourself in that situation. If your answer is “No” then count your privilege, question everything and treat your maid a little nicely the next time she comes home. You are not doing her a favour by paying her. Think about it.