“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
― Mark Twain
A challenging task it is to arrive in terms of your own self, and even more challenging is to maintain the state.
After years of being teased and bullied for being the girl who is too thin,too Bihari, too tensed, who wears thick glasses, who constantly looks grim, who looks weird, walks weirdly, talks weirdly, doesn’t smile, and I don’t know what not, it is very difficult to like oneself, but yes, I have begun trying.
I believe age did the trick here, as I am still taunted and teased for most of it and some more. To be honest, it has reduced my confidence to such an extent that I don’t know if I ever will be a confident person. Constant assurances do work for the short term, but it is a tiring task. It has made me too much dependent on other people for compliments and reassurances, which backfires many times if someone says anything “unfavorable”. Fortunately, the realization of your flaw is a big leap towards improvement.
We often listen and read about how we should not care about other people’s opinion of ourselves and we all agree that it is true. However, if it is a universal idea, why do we give it anyway? What’s the point?
However, people around us do throw words at us and we are affected by them. We can’t just wake up one fine day and stop giving a shit. It does matter to us. It does affect our energy, even if we think otherwise.
By the time I was in my third year of graduation, my brain became so sick and tired of all the constant badgering that a great defense mechanism emerged – Self-depreciating humor-and boy have I used it!
As a matter of fact, I still use it, almost all the time, though the intensity has reduced, and will hopefully reduce further. Self-depreciating humor is excellent, but at the end of the day, it is a defense mechanism, hence, unhealthy and fucks up the brain. It just made me a bitter person from within and almost all my friendships were just shallow, as I had no confidence that anybody wants to be my friend. Being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely is not easy.
I know and always knew that the people aren’t lying. I am too thin( have gained weight now though), I walk and talk differently, my eyes are a little droopy, I have a resting grim face and what not. Nevertheless, these things never bothered me. I cannot change these things. I do not care about smiling much when I am in a neutral mood, I cannot undergo surgery to look “normal”, or change my gait or anything else. In fact, I loved my body when it was thin and I even love it now. These things never bothered me, unless some great observers began to pinpoint it. In front of everyone. All the time. As I have mentioned above, it wrecked havoc in my life.
“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”
― Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale
Yes, after 22 years, I have come to terms with it.Even though I was and still am “weird” in many ways, I am breathing, I am working, I am constantly trying to be more self-aware, and hoping for the best.
Mind you, coming in terms with all this wasn’t easy and I am still unsure if I am totally in terms with everything. I do not have any method as to how I did it. It just happened. Sometimes, it still bothers me, it makes me sick of myself, it makes me wish I was someone else, but then I let the thought just pass. I believe that the struggle is real for all those who have faced such problems.
The seeds of these kinds of problems mainly begin in schools when someone who looks, wears, walks, talks or acts a little differently, is teased and bullied. We don’t realize it, but it affects the person’s psyche in negative ways. It also creates issues in their adult lives. In extreme cases, some children also commit suicide as they are not able to bear it anymore. The teasing may not be the sole reason for the suicide, but if it wasn’t present, maybe it could have been avoided. You don’t know what is going on in someone’s house or head.
We just can’t wash our hands from this by blaming the nature for it because the person was “born this way.” Everyone is born a certain way and no one has the right to make the person feel bad for it.
I hope we all do something to control this epidemic.
I would like to appeal to all of you, let people be. If they aren’t harming anyone, let them be “weird” and don’t, I repeat, don’t, pester them about it. They have enough problems to deal with and your comments degrading their confidence won’t help. I am not saying that you should not correct a friend when they are wrong or your intentions are maligned. Having a bad habit and just being different are two separate things.
Let me give you an example- If someone pronounces a word wrong, you correct them, politely. If someone has a different accent, you don’t make fun of them or constantly remind them of it. Let them be. They do not have to change it.
So just live, and let people be. Being different gives the world color. Even the grays are important. Spread the knowledge to all.
OnionMusings 