#13 Pyaaz Bytes: A Tryst with Nothingness and Hope

Today is one of those days when I got nothing to write about. Nothing. Zippo. Nada. So I will write about having nothing to write about cause it’s my blog and I can. The only place where I have free will or the illusion of it. One can never know.

I was planning to not write tonight. Again. Yet my heart just said that I had to, otherwise I will break my promise to myself. If anyone is reading this, apologies for the tardiness today.

I got asked the worst question ever today. That too twice. No, it was not “When are you getting married you are so old I don’t have a life haha”. It was- ” What are your future plans for your career? Where will you shift after your current job?”

Fortunately, the questions were asked by my friends, so I just shut them up by saying- “Don’t ask me these HR questions.” and attempted to fake laugh to not sound rude.

In my mind, I was blank. Both the times. Nothing. Nada. I have no clue. I used to think that I had a clue. I used to think about my career path and how I will navigate it. But now, I do not know if I even want to do those things, or if I am capable of doing those things. The fear of uncertainty gripped me in the entirety and I spiraled into a mild existential crisis. I say ‘mild’ here because I have had worse ones.

I wonder if I will always be like this, or things will improve with age as I will be more sure about it, though I do not see any super-confident and content adults around me. It makes me wonder if I have the chance of ever being sure of myself. It is funny how there are numerous Ted Talks on “Finding your Passion” and then numerous others on “It is all Hoax”. I find both bullshit.

Maybe it is because life is different for each person and the only thing common is hope. There can never be black and white. It is a rainbow with multiple shades and palettes, some of which cannot even be labelled.

I am probably off-brown as I am brown and something is always off about me. I don’t know if I make sense here. I don’t care about it. I am happy to live under the illusion of free-will over my blog. Do not dare to touch it.

I went from nothing to 434 words. Writing is truly an enriching activity.

Here’s to 434 words of Day 13. Cheers!

#6 Pyaaz Bytes: Wives, Anxiety, etc.

Hello Scrollers,

This is one of those days, which are very frequent in my case, when I do not “feel like doing anything.”

I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, even though I was awake. I finally woke up at 8:45 am , which was one and a half hour later than my expected timing.

I did exercise. I tried light Zumba tutorial on Youtube and danced for 15 minutes, along with stretching. I practiced my piano in the evening, though I got disturbed by a guest. Honestly, I was unable to play properly as I am finding western music difficult, which is dissuading me from practicing. I also want to enjoy playing and that is not happening now, which is making me upset. Yet, I feel that I need to learn to play well, and that will require practice. Ugh!! Why is life like this…..

I also worked today. I had a chat with an important person working on watershed. I do not know if it nervousness or the fact that I had not eaten properly since morning, but my body was a little shaky while talking to him. I was feeling very anxious. I have noticed that I feel anxiety sometimes when my blood sugar level is low. It might be a mix of both, I do not know.

I am feeling quite low today. I have various things on my mind. I am afraid of breaking my self promises. I am forcing myself a lot to keep up with them and this is only the 5^th day. I do not know what to do. I am also PMSing, so that is also there. But it’s not that these things do not happen to me at other times. They do. I have my phases in a cyclical manner the entire month, but I am unable to predict them.

I watched Zindagi Gulzar Hai today also. I am finding it funny but also boring as the scenes are very dragged. Yet I do not feel like watching anything else. *sobs*

I finished watching the “Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives”. Yes, I watch these shit shows because FOMO. I think these types of shows are made for us to watch, cringe, explode on twitter and also feel a little jealous of the inequality.

I had the same expectation from the show as I had with Indian Matchmaking, but I was disappointed as this show was worse. I mean, it was badly scripted and way too fake. People in India do not recognize Neelam Kothari anymore, I do not understand how a person in Doha recognized and stalked her. Lol. It was very bad. At least Indian Matchmaking had some realistic characters. This show had none. Everybody was acting and that too very badly as this show comprised of bad out of work actors. Sometimes I feel that Kekda Ranaut was right about Karan Johar.

I was just thinking that I need to get over my phone and Instagram addiction, and I began scrolling Instagram. I want to cry.

This post feels like the worst post until now. I hate it.

Here’s to 528 words of a shitty Day 6. Cheers!

#2 Pyaaz Bytes : Mundane Stuff

Hello Scrollers,

Here I am, adhering to my commitment of writing 200 words a day. It is only the second day and I was procrastinating as I had nothing to write. Yet, I have decided to complete the bare minimum and keep up with my self-promise.

I was just checking out any other blogging websites which might be better than WordPress as I am not loving the overall look of the blog. Then I found that the best and most user-friendly website is WordPress. Wow. I will check the settings and see what I can tweak the look in the free version.

I could not exercise today as my left shoulder is aching since 2 days. I just did the neck movements and decided to give my shoulder a rest. I did take painkillers as the pain was killing me. I hope it heals soon so that I can start my exercise.

I am also thinking about joining a gym as my pants from 2 months ago are not fitting me anymore. But it might be unsafe during pandemic. I just do not want to be the reason for making my family sick of the virus, they are already sick of me.

I tried to wake up early in the morning today but could not because I slept very late. I hope to sleep earlier than usual tonight and wake up early tomorrow. It’s one of the most difficult tasks for me as I simply lying on the bed makes me feel very restless. In the morning, I feel so tired that I let myself believe that if I wake up early then I would feel tired all day. However, I have to try everyday to achieve it and I will.

I did practice keyboard. My Sir had sent me notes of “Tum Hi Ho” from Aashiqui 2, which is a beautiful song. I am able to play effortlessly with the right hand but unable to play the chords. I need a lot more practice. Practice is the key here. My mind keeps telling me to quit the chords as it is very difficult for me.

“When the going gets tough, I get going”.

I always want to find a way out of any discomfort. It is my habit. I quit too easy on a lot of things since childhood. It is a pattern in me. Still, I am convincing it to not give up so easily as I have not practiced much.I do feel bad that I cancelled the class today but the sprain was making it difficult to play. Also, to be honest, I had only practiced today and was not able to play properly. I will definitely join the next class.

My reading of 10 pages is still left. Along with my skin care, which I will do after posting this.

I managed to write 488 words. Yay!

Here’s to a good Day Two. Cheers!