#20 Pyaaz Bytes: Rollercoaster of Everything

Hello Readers!

I am back again, which I say in a lot of my blogs as I am pretty inconsistent. Right now I took the decision to write because I was feeling a lot of feelings, most prominently shitty about myself. I was thinking about restarting my writing today but did not do anything about it. However, I was chatting with a friend about writing blogs and then I just thought to take action without over-thinking it. So here I am.

The title “Rollercoaster of Everything” depicts my mental and emotional journey of today, or from yesterday till right now as it is 1:45 am already.

I was PMSing since the past 5 days and they are the most disoriented days for me, even worse than when the periods actually arrive. I am unable to sleep during these days at all, my mind is restless, my body keeps giving me false alarms for periods and the abdominal region just feels so strange and tense. It drives me crazy. I am so high strung during these times that I either feel extremely sad or extremely happy with an undertone of sadness about everything.

Fortunately, my periods arrived today and the cramps have replaced the restlessness of my body. However, my mind is still restless and high strung.

I feel happy about making a video on my experience with the menstrual cup and am thinking of ideas to make more videos on different topics, make review videos of different brands of menstrual cups if someone finances me because otherwise I keep wondering that why am I doing it. I want to do it but I am unable to figure out what benefit will I gain from it in future. This is what I keep thinking about everything and I think that it hampers my proactiveness and risk taking abilities. The over-thinking leads to less energy left for action.

I want to do so many things in life but I feel I am unable to do anything. So many thoughts keep running through my head all the time which hampers my focus and my ability to convey my thoughts clearly, especially while speaking. I feel like leaving my current job and start working in social media marketing or content writing. However, I feel that I am just being impulsive about it because I find my current job difficult. Also, starting in a new field from scratch would not pay me enough along with the fear of not being successful in those fields.

Hence, I decided to read, write and make videos as a hobby. There is time and dedication required even to pursue a hobby. I keep making plans to make myself consistent. I feel that if I want to read, I should read everyday, I should write everyday and make videos on weekends. All these plans also overwhelm me and I feel like if I start pursuing my hobbies then I won’t be able to concentrate properly on my work or learn data analytics, which I have to in order to progress in my career and find better jobs. I do not understand how do some people do so many things. My brain starts feeling tired when I think a lot :P.

I was oscillating between feeling good and bad about myself. I felt bad due to some things said by someone and it made me feel that no one values me, when I know that there are people who do value me but then my mind says that might not be true. Such contradictions. Wow.

I am also facing series of defeats in terms of my current job and finding a new job. Everything is just making me tense. I feel like I am not working properly at my current job. Even when I work, I doubting about everything being wrong, I am unable to focus and nothing I do will make a any difference.

I was thinking to start writing again as my mind has forgotten to come up with appropriate words, even in chats. While chatting with a friend today, I was writing in a childish manner and was not able to come up with even simple terms such as enhancement or learning curve. I think if I read and write everyday, my skills will improve. Also, if I make videos frequently with me talking, it might help me with my extreme fear of public speaking. I find this fear funny as I have been on the stage so many times and I like being on stage or speaking but I always get nervous and do not speak properly. I used to get nervous even when I had to speak something in class. My therapist told me that it is the fear of judgement which causes the nervousness. It might be true, though I do not understand why it also happens when I am making videos alone.

I am still brainstorming topics of videos with myself and there are too many thoughts in my mind running unstructured. I can make videos about the books I have read, about different menstrual cups (can only start next month as periods come once a month), make funny or informative tutorials on things. I wonder if I should find a niche or post anything I want in my same account. Posting content on a new account will be time taking as I will have to get new followers etc. and will get very less views initially. Also, is it really necessary to have a forte? To be honest, I do not know.

I hate the self-help books and “motivational speakers”. However, I like listening to practical suggestions and lifestyle changes advocated my some people which also enhances my perspective of life.

It’s around 2:30 am right now. I am sleepy but I also want to finish the book “Girl, Woman and Other” which I have since months and I have still not finished it, like I do with a lot of other things.

I like writing and I have no content except my life. So I want to write about my life. My hope is that there might be others who are in a turmoil like myself and reading my blogs might help them because relatable content helps me a lot and gives me perspective. I also fear that we should not expose ourselves too much on the internet, which made me confused even more. However, I will at least try to write something and post it everyday, even if it’s just one line.

Here’s to 1117 words of my rant. I am not editing this as it is just a rant for today.

To a new beginning. Maybe.

Cheers!

#19 Pyaaz Bytes: A Blessed Thing

Heyo People,

After a long hiatus, here I am again, wanting again to rant about my life. I decided to write today because I like writing better than speaking (yes, I am the text over calls person most times) and no one listens to my shit anyways, so I hope someone might read it.

I woke up at 7:45 am today, which is 3 hours prior to my usual waking up time. This miracle happened because I woke up at 6:30 am yesterday after being coaxed by a friend to go for a run, hence I slept at 12, which is 3 hours prior to my usual dozing off time. I was supposed to wake up at 6 again, but I lazed around because my friend did not call me, so lack of extrinsic motivation, and also, I am me, so lack of intrinsic motivation. I finally motivated myself to wake up and workout a little because my legs were already aching and taking too much rest would not help. Also, I really want to be fit and healthy because that is how humans are supposed to be and I am not feeling good about my physical health right now. I have also gained a lot of weight which is now showing on my body, which I do not really mind as I still love how I look and I do look awesome, but my clothes do not fit me anymore and some of them are expensive. So I need to drop off that belly fat.

After waking up and wasting 10 mins checking social media, same way I did above by digressing from the point, I put on some music and went to brush my teeth. While looking at myself in the mirror, I felt so blessed. I felt blessed for being able to live alone and having the freedom to listen to music out loud and groove to it while brushing my teeth. Yes, this simple thing made me feel happy. Then I did start thinking about work and ten other stressors which plague my life, but despite all that, I did have the moment, which made me happy. I sensed a strong appreciation for my mind and soul because even after so much recent mental and emotional turmoil, it can still conjure the good things in my life which truly over power the bad ones and make even the difficult events feel like a blessing. Or maybe it is just a result of sleeping for more than 4 hours after a month. Who knows. 😛

I then did some jumping jacks and started to fall asleep while doing crunches, so I did a 10 minute zumba for which I was checking the time every 2 minutes because my stamina dips faster than the logical arguments of bhakts (wait, that’s not possible, they have no logic), followed by a 10 minute guided meditation audio, during which I thought about blogging because the audio was asking me to be in the present and I LISTEN TO NO MAN! 😛

Drinking my hot water with honey and ginger right now along with eating seeds, while realizing that it is already 10 am and these activities should be done 2 hours earlier. Better late than never though.

Here’s hoping for more good things to happen today and a better tomorrow.

Cheers.

#2 Pyaaz Bytes : Mundane Stuff

Hello Scrollers,

Here I am, adhering to my commitment of writing 200 words a day. It is only the second day and I was procrastinating as I had nothing to write. Yet, I have decided to complete the bare minimum and keep up with my self-promise.

I was just checking out any other blogging websites which might be better than WordPress as I am not loving the overall look of the blog. Then I found that the best and most user-friendly website is WordPress. Wow. I will check the settings and see what I can tweak the look in the free version.

I could not exercise today as my left shoulder is aching since 2 days. I just did the neck movements and decided to give my shoulder a rest. I did take painkillers as the pain was killing me. I hope it heals soon so that I can start my exercise.

I am also thinking about joining a gym as my pants from 2 months ago are not fitting me anymore. But it might be unsafe during pandemic. I just do not want to be the reason for making my family sick of the virus, they are already sick of me.

I tried to wake up early in the morning today but could not because I slept very late. I hope to sleep earlier than usual tonight and wake up early tomorrow. It’s one of the most difficult tasks for me as I simply lying on the bed makes me feel very restless. In the morning, I feel so tired that I let myself believe that if I wake up early then I would feel tired all day. However, I have to try everyday to achieve it and I will.

I did practice keyboard. My Sir had sent me notes of “Tum Hi Ho” from Aashiqui 2, which is a beautiful song. I am able to play effortlessly with the right hand but unable to play the chords. I need a lot more practice. Practice is the key here. My mind keeps telling me to quit the chords as it is very difficult for me.

“When the going gets tough, I get going”.

I always want to find a way out of any discomfort. It is my habit. I quit too easy on a lot of things since childhood. It is a pattern in me. Still, I am convincing it to not give up so easily as I have not practiced much.I do feel bad that I cancelled the class today but the sprain was making it difficult to play. Also, to be honest, I had only practiced today and was not able to play properly. I will definitely join the next class.

My reading of 10 pages is still left. Along with my skin care, which I will do after posting this.

I managed to write 488 words. Yay!

Here’s to a good Day Two. Cheers!

#1 Pyaaz Bytes : Begin Again

Hello World,

Or

Hello to the Few Peeps Scrolling Past This Piece,

This is not a self-help blog. Well, it might be in a way as I am just helping myself here. I would be the happiest if it helps you too. I would not as you to wake up early in the morning. It is not the cure. I am not as boring as Robin Sharma. I swear.

I just concluded a four-part workshop called “The Art of Clear Writing” by the prolific writer and podcaster Amit Verma.

The workshop taught me several tips on what the title clearly mentions- “Clear Writing”. One of the major teachings was to use as less adjectives and adverbs as possible. This enabled me to explain what the workshop taught me in the first sentence of the paragraph instead of lazily writing “the workshop was amazing what a wow.”

I used to love reading and writing. I still do. They still give me a high, a sense of achievement. However, I have become very lazy with age. Not to say that I am old, I am only 25, though past the marriageable age according to my parents. Still, I do not feel like using my mental capacities a lot. Even my using my physical capacities make me breathless and I have gained a lot of weight. I try a lot to create good habits but they fizzle in a matter of few days, or nowadays even a single day makes me so bored. Yes, bored. Everything becomes boring for me after a week, max. It becomes frustrating for me as I feel that it hinders my work and my well-being.

Hence, I am inspired again today to begin again. I do not remember the nth time I am “beginning again”, but I will begin again, even if I fail because if I don’t, I would never do it. Amit gave a wonderful advice today to not think about the habit one needs to develop but but how we picture our perfect self when we develop the habit. For example: By developing the habit of brushing my teeth every night, my teeth will shine and I will look amazing in photographs. (only if you concentrate on the teeth though).

I will illustrate a few tasks I would like to do every day. I have already installed the Outlook To-Do list app on my phone and have set these tasks to “Repeat Everyday”. I might come up with a few tasks as I type, who knows.

1. Writing 200 Words a Day:

I picture my perfect self as a well-known writer of Op-eds, blogs and research papers. I would also like to write stories and comedy, preferably dark comedy, which will be inspired from my life or I will pretend that it is. My Op-eds and blogs will also contain humor as I love reading and hearing those kind of pieces.

Today was the last session of the workshop and I received the greatest advice:

Start your writing gym.

Build up the writing muscle by writing at least 200 words a day. Well, this is why I am writing this piece, and it has already exceeded the minimum requirement. It can be like a Dear Diary and it can be private. I am posting it on my blog because I like it when someone reads my piece. Validation is important. Or even if no one reads it now, it has the scope to be read by someone as it is in the public domain.

I know that my writing is not the best and it needs practice to improve. It takes a lot of time for me to write something because I keep thinking a lot and most of the time I do not like the end result. I have written two blogs in the last month on Education as I forced myself to volunteer as a content writer at Vidyakansha. Earlier, I used to non-forcibly volunteer for content writing. I have been the editor for my department magazine during graduation. I also earned around Rs.2.5k while working as a content writer for an app. I have been complimented for my writing by my college-mates and have been asked for advice. However, I have lost the confidence, which is also a reason for procrastination.

Hence, I will write at least 200 words each day, on anything I feel like and post it here. It’s my blog. I have the power. I will not hesitate to write as I am not looking for anyone’s opinion on it. Although, I will try not to post gibberish and will post the second or the third draft because the “first draft is a mental dump and we should not hesitate from writing it as no one sees it”, as said by Amit.

I also began watching Zindagi Gulzar Hai today and the protagonists write their diary every day, which inspired me.

2. Reading 10 Pages Every Day:

I envision myself as someone who is a passionate reader and can talk about books forever. Reading takes me to different places. It gives me pleasure and perspective and even if I do not brag about it, I love it.

I used to be an avid reader of fiction when I was in school. I issued a book or two every week from my school library. The librarian used to love me. I also began reading the newspaper when I began my CLAT coaching in Grade 11^th which was a turning point of my life as it transformed my world-view. However, when I began college, I began to lose touch as I “never found the time.”

I used to force myself to read during the holidays and I did manage to complete a book or two. However, with time, my concentration reduced a lot. A LOT. I also started to feel that my memory has been hampered, though there can be a lot of reasons for it.

Now, I take up months to finish a book. I binge-read sometimes, using immense will-power to not get distracted. It makes me feel good. After one binge reading session, I decide to read at least 10 pages every day as finishing a book makes me feel good, but then I just keep procrastinating because I am unable to concentrate and I “do not feel like” reading. I have just become a book hoarder as I still love the idea of reading and not making an effort for the actual act.

However, as I am “Beginning Again” today, that too, quite publicly, I have decided to read at least 10 pages every day. I picked up this advice from the blog of Mark Manson, known for the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I do not agree with every life advice on this newsletter but I liked this one and had tried it again earlier, which was useful.

Although I am a sucker for fiction, I will also read non-fiction as it does give a lot of perspective on different things and also fuel to brag during gatherings.

Currently, I am on page no. 353 of “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: A Trilogy in Three Parts” by Douglas Adams. It is the funniest book I have ever read. I enjoy reading it whenever I do read it. Hence, I will complete it in some time by beginning with 10 pages a day and will definitely write about it the day I complete it.

3. Practice Keyboard for Half an Hour:

My vision is to be able to create musical notes on my own after listening to a song and play, seemingly, in an effortless manner, alone or in front of my friends.

I used to learn the Indian classical music on the keyboard when I was in 8^th grade. I left it after a year because I did not enjoy practicing. (Yes. I am lazy since forever). My consistency of not being consistence prevents me to be consistent at anything.

Anyways, I found the keyboard at my home during the lockdown. I opened my notes and realized that I still remember how to play. I began playing almost everyday for fun. It also gave me confidence as I was able to remember the notes with practice and made me think that my memory is not that bad.

I began watching Youtube videos to learn different songs but found it difficult because I did not know how to read western music notes or play it as it involves chords. So I found a music teacher online and he is teaching me through Zoom. Yes, it is not the same as learning in person but these are the Zoom times. I was excited to learn chords. Playing also gave me a dopamine rush as I could immediately see the effect of practicing a few times, which pushed me to practice.

Also, learning to play with both hands simultaneously will activate the two hemispheres of my brain and increase my mental capacity along with my confidence.

However, after a few days, I stopped practicing as the consistency made me bored and I began procrastinating. I made excuses to skip class, even though I had paid in advance. So I have decided to practice at least half an hour everyday of whatever Sir has taught. I already know that practicing it will make me play better each time as I have seen the results earlier.

4. Exercise for 15 mins a Day:

I have actually become fat with a belly. My clothes of the past year do not fit me anymore. I have tried a lot to exercise but I fail consistently. Nevertheless, I am beginning again. I will exercise for at least 15 mins a day. I will do my neck exercises first and then progress from there. Baby-steps.

5. Skin care:

I envision my face to be pimple free, blemish free and glow.

I have not included this in my to-do list yet, but I will. It is cold and I am avoiding washing my face with a face wash at night, which I used to do before. This is resulting in more pimples. Hence, from now on, I will heat some water, mix it and wash my face every night and use a toner to close pores and prevent pimples, as my parlor lady advised me.

I have also impulsively ordered a Tea Tree Night Lotion and Tea Tree Night Mask from BodyShop. I already use their Tea Tree Face Wash and I love it. I hope the other two are also good as they are quite expensive for my budget.

I will include them in my nightly skin care routine when they arrive and hope to fulfill my vision. I know only using products don’t result in miracles and I should drink plenty of water and eat right, which is also something that I am trying.

We come to an end of my every day to-do list rant. I am already feeling overwhelmed again as apart from all these, I have work too. Lol. My therapist did tell me that my personality type is such that I just keep procrastinating about doing something and it overwhelms me so much that I do not end up doing anything. She advised me to stop thinking and just do it. The list will help me.

I am trying to think about them as very small and least time consuming tasks, which they are actually.

The time is 1:10 am on the 29^th of November, 2020. However, this entry will be counted as that of 28^th November as I began writing at 11:45 pm on that date.

Here’s to writing again on the 29^th, hopefully before midnight. Cheers!

P.S. I might change the main title of the series from Pyaaz Musings to anything else I want to, depending on my intentions. However, I will not stop numbering the series.