#21 Pyaaz Bytes: Stress, Mindfullness and Power of 10 P.M.

Hello Readers,

What is it about 10 PM that brings the incredible gift of purpose, focus and hope in my life?

Before 10 PM today, I was living in utter purgatory. I was feeling incredibly stressed since morning, I was unable to concentrate on my work, I was freaking out every 5 mins about everything and I just wanted to lie down and cry, a lot. I was even about to cry during the session with my therapist because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Nothing was happening right.

After 10 PM, everything changed. The breeze became cooler. I was able to put myself in a chair and open my laptop to work. I was able to find the right avenues for job search. It felt like some magic had happened and I was destined to be here. I started to feel that everything is not wrong with my life and I can get out of every bad situation I find myself in. Most importantly, I started seeing hope.

This is not the first time this has happened. Nighttime brings incredible vigor and focus sometimes. However, it also leads to myself being drained out the entire day, feeling stressed, anxious and incredibly tired. Hence, night time madness is not a sustainable solution for me. I do find comfort in the night but I need to find an ideal time to sleep so that I could wake up a little early in the morning to maintain my newly decided routine, which has become too distorted currently due to PMS and periods.

Today was one of the days when I was unable to take control of my thoughts and emotions. I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed the entire day. I was not able to relax or rest even if I tried to because I was stressed about work, not that I was able to get any important work done today due to feeling overwhelmed and it formed a vicious cycle. I did not even feel hungry all day. My body was hungry but I was not, which led to erratic meals. I decided to cook cabbage because I had the dough to make rotis. So I suppressed my urge to order from outside and cooked. However, the dough was very less, which led to two very small rotis, one of which got burned. After some time, my body was hungry again and I thought maybe I would feel good if I eat something. Hence, I ordered 2 frankies from Yo Frankie. Unfortunately, they turned out to be too spicy. Even a person who likes spicy food would not have been able to eat it. I was only able to eat one, that too with a lot of difficulty and called up Swiggy to return my money, which they did not. Instead, I got a coupon for Rs.95 which would expire in 30 days. I paid Rs.130. It was a loss my baniya brain would never forget. 😛

I then went out for a haircut, as my hair was not in great shape due to enormous hair fall, and I hoped going out would calm me a little. I even got a highlight and hair spa. The hair got too short but I like it. I have had long hair for too long, though long hair looks good on me. I hope my hair tangles less now and my hair fall reduces. My head does feel incredibly light now.

During my therapy session, I was so overwhelmed that I could not even listen to my therapist attentively. She did manage to get me in a better state by the end of the session (a good therapist is a blessing tbh), and reiterated the importance of mindfulness. Mindfulness is this incredible practice where we focus on the present while doing any task, ergo, be mindful of the task. We can do this my activating our senses and then the mind will follow suit. One can start by practicing it for at least 2 minutes a day, while doing anything, even a mundane task.

For example, I decided to practice it while kneading the dough tonight. I activated my sense of hearing and heard the fan and the flickering of the tube light. I activated my sense of sight and focused on the white colour of the flour, which was twisting and changing while being kneaded. I activated my sense of touch, feeling the texture of the dough, how it was dry before and then started becoming wet and sticky.

Sounds simple, right? No, it isn’t. At least not for me. My monkey mind kept wandering. It kept thinking what to do next, what to write on my blog, what to do tomorrow…blah blah blah. To be honest, it was just thinking the way it is used to thinking. Hence, when I was trying something new, it was being met with a lot of resistance. My therapist had told me that this will happen, it is completely normal and this will change time and practice. I did realize how I always keep thinking about “the next thing” while doing anything and never live in the present. Practicing mindfulness might help me and keep me more grounded and less overwhelmed. I have decided to practice it at least for 2 minutes a day while cooking. Let’s see what happens.

Other than the things which happened after 10 PM, there were a few other good things which happened today. My video about Menstrual Cups was well received and sparked a conversation about the ladies on my alumni group. I also received compliments for it from my girl friends. Some of my girl friends also flattered me with compliments about my looks and my hair and made me feel like a diva. Girl friends are the best thing. I love and cherish mine.

I feel exhausted right now, even though I feel like writing more or reading a book, I think I should at least try to get back to my schedule again, slowly and steadily. I hope to do some exercise tomorrow, eat healthy, get work done and not feel overwhelmed as I did today. I also feel that I should not write this blog as it is too personal and it should not be in the public space. I do not have a problem with it but future employers might. I do not know to be honest. On one hand I want a job but I also do not want to work somewhere which suppresses free speech. Let me know your thoughts about it.

Here’s to 1109 words of despair and hope for today.

Cheers!

#20 Pyaaz Bytes: Rollercoaster of Everything

Hello Readers!

I am back again, which I say in a lot of my blogs as I am pretty inconsistent. Right now I took the decision to write because I was feeling a lot of feelings, most prominently shitty about myself. I was thinking about restarting my writing today but did not do anything about it. However, I was chatting with a friend about writing blogs and then I just thought to take action without over-thinking it. So here I am.

The title “Rollercoaster of Everything” depicts my mental and emotional journey of today, or from yesterday till right now as it is 1:45 am already.

I was PMSing since the past 5 days and they are the most disoriented days for me, even worse than when the periods actually arrive. I am unable to sleep during these days at all, my mind is restless, my body keeps giving me false alarms for periods and the abdominal region just feels so strange and tense. It drives me crazy. I am so high strung during these times that I either feel extremely sad or extremely happy with an undertone of sadness about everything.

Fortunately, my periods arrived today and the cramps have replaced the restlessness of my body. However, my mind is still restless and high strung.

I feel happy about making a video on my experience with the menstrual cup and am thinking of ideas to make more videos on different topics, make review videos of different brands of menstrual cups if someone finances me because otherwise I keep wondering that why am I doing it. I want to do it but I am unable to figure out what benefit will I gain from it in future. This is what I keep thinking about everything and I think that it hampers my proactiveness and risk taking abilities. The over-thinking leads to less energy left for action.

I want to do so many things in life but I feel I am unable to do anything. So many thoughts keep running through my head all the time which hampers my focus and my ability to convey my thoughts clearly, especially while speaking. I feel like leaving my current job and start working in social media marketing or content writing. However, I feel that I am just being impulsive about it because I find my current job difficult. Also, starting in a new field from scratch would not pay me enough along with the fear of not being successful in those fields.

Hence, I decided to read, write and make videos as a hobby. There is time and dedication required even to pursue a hobby. I keep making plans to make myself consistent. I feel that if I want to read, I should read everyday, I should write everyday and make videos on weekends. All these plans also overwhelm me and I feel like if I start pursuing my hobbies then I won’t be able to concentrate properly on my work or learn data analytics, which I have to in order to progress in my career and find better jobs. I do not understand how do some people do so many things. My brain starts feeling tired when I think a lot :P.

I was oscillating between feeling good and bad about myself. I felt bad due to some things said by someone and it made me feel that no one values me, when I know that there are people who do value me but then my mind says that might not be true. Such contradictions. Wow.

I am also facing series of defeats in terms of my current job and finding a new job. Everything is just making me tense. I feel like I am not working properly at my current job. Even when I work, I doubting about everything being wrong, I am unable to focus and nothing I do will make a any difference.

I was thinking to start writing again as my mind has forgotten to come up with appropriate words, even in chats. While chatting with a friend today, I was writing in a childish manner and was not able to come up with even simple terms such as enhancement or learning curve. I think if I read and write everyday, my skills will improve. Also, if I make videos frequently with me talking, it might help me with my extreme fear of public speaking. I find this fear funny as I have been on the stage so many times and I like being on stage or speaking but I always get nervous and do not speak properly. I used to get nervous even when I had to speak something in class. My therapist told me that it is the fear of judgement which causes the nervousness. It might be true, though I do not understand why it also happens when I am making videos alone.

I am still brainstorming topics of videos with myself and there are too many thoughts in my mind running unstructured. I can make videos about the books I have read, about different menstrual cups (can only start next month as periods come once a month), make funny or informative tutorials on things. I wonder if I should find a niche or post anything I want in my same account. Posting content on a new account will be time taking as I will have to get new followers etc. and will get very less views initially. Also, is it really necessary to have a forte? To be honest, I do not know.

I hate the self-help books and “motivational speakers”. However, I like listening to practical suggestions and lifestyle changes advocated my some people which also enhances my perspective of life.

It’s around 2:30 am right now. I am sleepy but I also want to finish the book “Girl, Woman and Other” which I have since months and I have still not finished it, like I do with a lot of other things.

I like writing and I have no content except my life. So I want to write about my life. My hope is that there might be others who are in a turmoil like myself and reading my blogs might help them because relatable content helps me a lot and gives me perspective. I also fear that we should not expose ourselves too much on the internet, which made me confused even more. However, I will at least try to write something and post it everyday, even if it’s just one line.

Here’s to 1117 words of my rant. I am not editing this as it is just a rant for today.

To a new beginning. Maybe.

Cheers!

#19 Pyaaz Bytes: A Blessed Thing

Heyo People,

After a long hiatus, here I am again, wanting again to rant about my life. I decided to write today because I like writing better than speaking (yes, I am the text over calls person most times) and no one listens to my shit anyways, so I hope someone might read it.

I woke up at 7:45 am today, which is 3 hours prior to my usual waking up time. This miracle happened because I woke up at 6:30 am yesterday after being coaxed by a friend to go for a run, hence I slept at 12, which is 3 hours prior to my usual dozing off time. I was supposed to wake up at 6 again, but I lazed around because my friend did not call me, so lack of extrinsic motivation, and also, I am me, so lack of intrinsic motivation. I finally motivated myself to wake up and workout a little because my legs were already aching and taking too much rest would not help. Also, I really want to be fit and healthy because that is how humans are supposed to be and I am not feeling good about my physical health right now. I have also gained a lot of weight which is now showing on my body, which I do not really mind as I still love how I look and I do look awesome, but my clothes do not fit me anymore and some of them are expensive. So I need to drop off that belly fat.

After waking up and wasting 10 mins checking social media, same way I did above by digressing from the point, I put on some music and went to brush my teeth. While looking at myself in the mirror, I felt so blessed. I felt blessed for being able to live alone and having the freedom to listen to music out loud and groove to it while brushing my teeth. Yes, this simple thing made me feel happy. Then I did start thinking about work and ten other stressors which plague my life, but despite all that, I did have the moment, which made me happy. I sensed a strong appreciation for my mind and soul because even after so much recent mental and emotional turmoil, it can still conjure the good things in my life which truly over power the bad ones and make even the difficult events feel like a blessing. Or maybe it is just a result of sleeping for more than 4 hours after a month. Who knows. 😛

I then did some jumping jacks and started to fall asleep while doing crunches, so I did a 10 minute zumba for which I was checking the time every 2 minutes because my stamina dips faster than the logical arguments of bhakts (wait, that’s not possible, they have no logic), followed by a 10 minute guided meditation audio, during which I thought about blogging because the audio was asking me to be in the present and I LISTEN TO NO MAN! 😛

Drinking my hot water with honey and ginger right now along with eating seeds, while realizing that it is already 10 am and these activities should be done 2 hours earlier. Better late than never though.

Here’s hoping for more good things to happen today and a better tomorrow.

Cheers.

#11 Pyaaz Bytes: OTT Laziness, Hunters and Laugh Tracks

Hello Scrollers,

I have recently realized that I suffer from something called the “OTT Laziness”. You do not need to Google it, because I have created the term myself. I will not call it “digital fatigue” because that occurs when you are forced to face the screen for work.

“OTT Laziness” implies that I begin to feel super lazy as soon as I start watching a new series. I get too engrossed in it. I ignore my work. I procrastinate more. I want to binge eat. I even start ignoring my routine tasks such as reading and exercise.

I know I have a lot of work, so I was controlling myself to start any new series. However, I was getting bored while eating, so I started watching Hunters on Prime, as I had read in some random comment on some random post on Instagram that it is about the Jews killing the Nazis.

Historical fiction is my favorite genre. I have some weird fascination with holocaust, World War 2 and Jews. I loved Man in the High Castle. I think it’s because I love history and any movie or series of this genre makes me relate to the stuff I have read in the past. It is fascinating to know so many aspects of a historical event, varied experiences and accounts. It makes me angry that people are capable of such horrific acts but also gives me hope that a lot of people survive, despite all odds, and can make a good life later, without forgetting what they went through.

“There is nothing but the past” was said by Al Pacino in the series. It reminded me of “Sab kuch yaad rakha jayega”, a poem which became popular during CAA-NRC protests.

The flashback of the series showing defiance by Jews in the camps in small ways such as playing the Hava Nagila and Ruth saving a young girl despite knowing that they will get shot for it is inspiring. At first, it made me wonder that what is the point of getting oneself killed for something insignificant like this, but then I realized that it gives others hope. The hope of defiance. The hope that they can also stand up to their perpetrators. It creates a ripple effect. This was depicted in the scene when the other prisoners began humming Hava Nagila after the musicians were killed.

If your defiance inspires others to rebel, it is worth dying for.

I have watched only 2 and a half episodes of the series till now and I am finding it interesting. I hope that it is good, since it casts Al Pacino and Josh Radnor aka Ted Mosby. No doubt that he is a good actor, but it’s just weird to see him as not Ted Mosby, a sweet sexist man whose sole aim is to find the “love of his life”.

Do not get me wrong. I enjoyed HIMYM a lot during my graduation days. I loved all the characters, except Ted. I hated him because he was a simp for Robin and he sugarcoated his assholeness so much that it was annoying. The series was fun to watch, though I think I am little old now to laugh at those jokes. Just like I am to unable laugh while watching FRIENDS anymore. That phase is over.

There are better shows now like The Office, Barry, Schitt’s Creek, Brooklyn Nine Nine, South Park, Family Guy etc., with more likeable characters and no laugh tracks. The jokes are more intelligent, which might not make you Hahahaha every time but Hehe or Hah a lot of times, which is good.

If you remove laugh tracks from shows such as Friends and The Big Bang Theory, the show will be of merely 15- 20 mins with only one or two Hahs. I think Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen episodes are an exception to this as I found the jokes funny and did not laugh merely due to the laugh tracks.

 So, screw laugh tracks. #screwlaughtracks.

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I covered myriad topics today from me being lazy to Holocaust to #screwlaughtracks. Phew!

Here’s to 694 words of Day 11. Cheers!

#10 Pyaaz Bytes – Trashy and Tired

Hello Scrollers,

I know I had promised to post the improved version of the piece I had written for my workshop but I did not. This is because I am suddenly swamped with work. It’s funny how I was cribbing last week that I am bored because of no work and now the floodgates have opened, so I am cribbing because of too much work. My life is just giving me everything in extremes, and by everything, I mean only the things I do not want.

So my mind is tired because I have been reading research papers all day, with no clue as to what is to be done after consuming all that shitload of knowledge. Research just feels like a convoluted labyrinth created by Satan. The more you try to figure it out, the more it traps you.

In other news, I realized today that all men in my life are trash #notallmen. Yes, I do not mean all men of the world, I just mean that those in my life are trash. Even the ones I thought are not trash turned out to be trash, which I realized today due to some incidents which I cannot talk about here.

I know someone (if anyone reads my rants) might say in their head that it is because I am trash. However, after using my research abilities and logic of deduction, I have deduced that the women in my life are not trash. It’s only the men.

It’s not me, it’s them. #menaretrashineedcash

ME

My faith in people is just about to hit rock bottom and it is not something I am aiming. I guess that is life for some people.

In more other news, I am keeping up with my skin care regime. I received my BodyShop Tea Tree Face Mask and Night cream 5 days ago. I have used the face mask twice, including today. On the other days, I am using the night cream after cleansing with BodyShop face wash and toning with a Plum alcohol free toner, as toners with alcohol tend to make the skin dry. No, I have no plans to become a beauty blogger, neither am I promoting BodyShop. I do wish they paid me though.

I also did my neck exercises today. I was feeling very drowsy after I woke up, even though I slept for more than 7 hours. I will have to find the right time to wake up undisturbed, according to my sleep cycle and set the alarm appropriately.

Post breakfast naps are highly underrated. Let’s start a petition and tweet with #napsnotwaps. Hurry!

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Here’s to 449 words of Day 10. Cheers!

#9 Pyaaz Bytes: Writing and Werking

Hello Scrollers,

I do not know if anyone cares, but if you do,  apologies for my absence yesterday. I had to go out for a wedding and I was tired when I reached home. I had already penned down an article for Vidyakansha, an NGO I am volunteering for as a content writer. I wrote a lot more than 200 words, so my quota was already done. No cheat day. Yay!

I did cheat upon my reading yesterday and my exercise today. I have abandoned my keyboard practice altogether as I do have the time or interest for it right now. Mostly interest. I have taken up research work on two fronts and also wrote a blog for my friend’s travel company today. So overall, my writing work is on. I am not sure about the quality of my content yet. My Vidyakansha article and the travel article were well received, though I think that anything which someone else writes seems fine to others generally. Yeah, I got low self esteem and massive trust issues. Stop me if you can. Please.

I will post an improved version of the piece I had written for the writing workshop as the instructor said he liked it and suggested to make it more descriptive. The piece does not have any words exceeding two syllables, adjectives or adverbs, and I have tried to describe everything using verbs, which did make the article a little bland, but that was the task. I could not even use the word sanitizer and sufficed with spirit.

I will use a few adjectives in the version I post here to make it a little more interesting, though the feel of the piece is mundane. I hope you will like it.

Here’s to Day 9 of 298 words. Cheers!

#8 Pyaaz Bytes: Periods- The Period Putter

Hello Scrollers,

I used to wonder why menstruation was called periods in the colloquial term. Someone said that it is called “periods” because it is something which happens periodically, i.e., once in a month. I believed it.

But it is now that I understand the true meaning of the term – it brings a halt or a puts a period to one’s normal routine.

Periods lead to increased drowsiness as the blood loss tires the body. It is difficult to exercise because of the pain. I sufficed with only my neck movements today.

Periods leads to uneasiness, making it difficult to work.

The mood swings and irritation makes it difficult to interact with people. Even if you are not working, one can face difficulty in just spending the day because of the pain, uneasiness and mood swings.

It hurts to lay down, to sit or to stand up. The most useful thing I find is to distract oneself with any movie or TV show but then I didn’t even feel like watching anything. I did not even watch Zindagi Gulzar Hai.

Plus I had work and guests coming and family members asking why am I so glum even after I clearly stated the reason… So yeah, not a great day.

I had a few topics in mind to write about such as a full musing on Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives and another on Male Privilege. I will write about the latter very soon. I also want to write a musing on the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy after I finish it but I have been reading it since so long that I have forgotten a lot of it.

I was thinking about time management today. How I waste my precious minutes in checking my phone unnecessarily and get lost into it for 10-15 minutes, and then pick it up again after 5 minutes. It has become a bad habit and I need to get over it. The reason I want to get over is that I suddenly have a lot of work now, along with which I wish to accomplish other things too and not ignore my keyboard, reading and writing.

I do think that I will have to ditch the keyboard for a while as I am not enjoying it that much as of now. I learnt what I did not know- reading Western music sheets and basics of chords. I don’t think continuing the class will help me anymore, though I have paid for the whole month. I will think about it.

Here’s to 427 words of Day 8. Cheers!

#5 Pyaaz Bytes: Happiest Season etc.

I do not know what to write today because I do not feel like writing. I feel lazy. Yet, I am persisting to keep my promise. I do not know how long I will persist, but I am trying my best. I feel an obligation to blogging because I have publicly declared it and I want the #numbers to increase. It is actually a good incentive. Dopamine rush!!

I woke up at 8:30 today. It was difficult. I had to coax myself again. But I did it. I exercised. I could not do crunches or anything else which involved the core as it is hurting a lot. It might be because my menses are near, so I do not want to harm my body. Instead of engaging my core, I tried to do more cardio and yoga. I danced with Vanu, which was fun. Vanu kept asking when we will do Shavaasana as it was her favorite. Even kids are lazy nowadays. (my typical aunty tone).

I was up till 1:30 am last night as my sister and I were watching the latest Christmas movie “Happiest Season”. I was so excited to watch the movie because of my favorite- Dan Levy.

I even spent all my data to download it from Telegram as Hulu is not in India. The movie was not that bad but I was disappointed as Dan was in a supporting role with very less screen time. His character seemed the same as it was in Schitt’s Creek and this time it was not exactly note-worthy. Otherwise, the movie was like every other Christmas movie where the entire family becomes best friends in the end and everything is happily ever after. Lame.

I do not mind watching light movies sometimes but this one was really forgettable with just one funny moment. I am not a movie reviewer but I would recommend someone to watch the movie only if you want to see a blond Kristen Stewart giving the same expressions she did in Twilight, but this time with a female partner and a few more dialogues

I have watched a few more episodes of Zindagi Gulzar Hai. As predicted, Kashaf is now married to Zarun but a good number of episodes are still left. I am curious to know what will happen now. I am happy that the show has not changed the nature of the characters magically. It is not as if Kashaf has fallen madly for Zarun and her entire personality has changed, or Zarun has changed because of his love for Kashaf. Both characters are still the same, only they do not dislike each other as such.. Kashaf is still does not trust Zarun. She agreed to meet him to talk about marriage due to family pressure and decided to marry him because let the hot cup of tea fall on his hand instead of hers, which made her think that he cares for her.

She keeps thinking that he is still a flirt and always says the same romantic lines he used to say to his various girlfriends in college. I feel that her distrust is slightly valid, given that she is conservative regarding these things. Also, she is insecure in general and does not trust men easily due to her father’s behavior towards her mother and herself. As I previously said, daddy issues are real.

The scenes of Zarun trying to be romantic with her and her awkwardness is hilarious and relatable. Zarun is too cheesy for her. The scene of their first night together is very awkward and hilarious. The direction, acting and scriptwriting is completely on point. Let’s see what happens in the further episodes. I am predicting some drama between Zarun’s mother and Kashaf. There might be surprises. One can never know.

My poor attention span is still making it difficult to read the novel. I did read more than 10 pages today but it required immense force and I was still getting distracted. I was also skipping some overly descriptive lines in between but I think that it is alright to do so. I read in a post by Mark Manson how life is too short to read all the books and we must skip things which do not interest us. Earlier, I used to read everything word by word and felt guilty and had FOMO if I skipped anything. The guilt has reduced a little now, maybe because of laziness or Mark’s advice, I do not know. I think that with regular reading, I will be able to make better judgements which would enable me to read more efficiently.

Efficiency is everything. Everything is efficiency.

It is funny how I did not know what to write and now I have written so much. This is the best part about writing. Once you start, your thoughts just flow.

Here’s to 813 words of Day 5. Cheers!

#2 Pyaaz Bytes : Mundane Stuff

Hello Scrollers,

Here I am, adhering to my commitment of writing 200 words a day. It is only the second day and I was procrastinating as I had nothing to write. Yet, I have decided to complete the bare minimum and keep up with my self-promise.

I was just checking out any other blogging websites which might be better than WordPress as I am not loving the overall look of the blog. Then I found that the best and most user-friendly website is WordPress. Wow. I will check the settings and see what I can tweak the look in the free version.

I could not exercise today as my left shoulder is aching since 2 days. I just did the neck movements and decided to give my shoulder a rest. I did take painkillers as the pain was killing me. I hope it heals soon so that I can start my exercise.

I am also thinking about joining a gym as my pants from 2 months ago are not fitting me anymore. But it might be unsafe during pandemic. I just do not want to be the reason for making my family sick of the virus, they are already sick of me.

I tried to wake up early in the morning today but could not because I slept very late. I hope to sleep earlier than usual tonight and wake up early tomorrow. It’s one of the most difficult tasks for me as I simply lying on the bed makes me feel very restless. In the morning, I feel so tired that I let myself believe that if I wake up early then I would feel tired all day. However, I have to try everyday to achieve it and I will.

I did practice keyboard. My Sir had sent me notes of “Tum Hi Ho” from Aashiqui 2, which is a beautiful song. I am able to play effortlessly with the right hand but unable to play the chords. I need a lot more practice. Practice is the key here. My mind keeps telling me to quit the chords as it is very difficult for me.

“When the going gets tough, I get going”.

I always want to find a way out of any discomfort. It is my habit. I quit too easy on a lot of things since childhood. It is a pattern in me. Still, I am convincing it to not give up so easily as I have not practiced much.I do feel bad that I cancelled the class today but the sprain was making it difficult to play. Also, to be honest, I had only practiced today and was not able to play properly. I will definitely join the next class.

My reading of 10 pages is still left. Along with my skin care, which I will do after posting this.

I managed to write 488 words. Yay!

Here’s to a good Day Two. Cheers!