Shitposting

Yes. This post is what it says. It is a shit post and this is I, a shit poster, who is shit posting on my own blog because why not. Well all my other posts can be categorized as shit posts too, which I did feel when I read them recently. I literally cringed at my own posts, which I wrote just a few months ago. I am sure I am gonna cringe at this post too, but who cares. Well, I do but anyways.

I realized today for the nth time that my writing skills have just become too shitty. It takes me hours to come up with good original formal sentences, there is no flair and I just prefer copy pasting rather than writing anything original. Maybe it’s fear or maybe I am just fucking stupid, I have no clue. So I thought of writing my blog again cause I haven’t written anything in such a long time. Will this random writing help me improve my game? I have no clue. However, (I didn’t use but here. hah!) I love to rant anyways and people won’t listen to me if I say it to them, so why not write it. Will I love it if someone reviews my writing and encourages me more? Obviously. Will I be heart broken if they ask for too many changes? Definitely.

Wow! I am at a loss now as to what to write. I am so damn confused all the time about everything. I really need to work on myself. Will I post about it? Well, I want to….but I am also afraid cause it’s too personal. I know anyone will hardly read it, but if I do become famous one day, everyone will know about my depressies :P. Man! that was mean, even for me. What is wrong with me? A lot of trauma! How to make it right? Lots of therapy and self work, which I am trying but it does take a lot of time and mental energy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am doomed for life, but if I was, I wouldn’t have got the help I needed and chances to improve and make my life better.

“Suffering has a reason” and I do believe in that. I am in no way romanticizing suffering of people due to poverty, sickness or mental health issues or anything else. It’s not fair. However, I am just trying to make sense of my own suffering because I am trying to improve and change my situation here, using all the privilege I have because I am lucky that way and I am thankful for that. I just realised that I write very long sentences. Will try to improve on that front too.

I hope to sleep properly today as I have been having very disturbed sleep since days. Hope to write again soon.

P.S. I ate some cheese today and I am lactose intolerant. I am already very gassy and I might die of diarrhea tonight. So I will see you if I don’t.

#19 Pyaaz Bytes: A Blessed Thing

Heyo People,

After a long hiatus, here I am again, wanting again to rant about my life. I decided to write today because I like writing better than speaking (yes, I am the text over calls person most times) and no one listens to my shit anyways, so I hope someone might read it.

I woke up at 7:45 am today, which is 3 hours prior to my usual waking up time. This miracle happened because I woke up at 6:30 am yesterday after being coaxed by a friend to go for a run, hence I slept at 12, which is 3 hours prior to my usual dozing off time. I was supposed to wake up at 6 again, but I lazed around because my friend did not call me, so lack of extrinsic motivation, and also, I am me, so lack of intrinsic motivation. I finally motivated myself to wake up and workout a little because my legs were already aching and taking too much rest would not help. Also, I really want to be fit and healthy because that is how humans are supposed to be and I am not feeling good about my physical health right now. I have also gained a lot of weight which is now showing on my body, which I do not really mind as I still love how I look and I do look awesome, but my clothes do not fit me anymore and some of them are expensive. So I need to drop off that belly fat.

After waking up and wasting 10 mins checking social media, same way I did above by digressing from the point, I put on some music and went to brush my teeth. While looking at myself in the mirror, I felt so blessed. I felt blessed for being able to live alone and having the freedom to listen to music out loud and groove to it while brushing my teeth. Yes, this simple thing made me feel happy. Then I did start thinking about work and ten other stressors which plague my life, but despite all that, I did have the moment, which made me happy. I sensed a strong appreciation for my mind and soul because even after so much recent mental and emotional turmoil, it can still conjure the good things in my life which truly over power the bad ones and make even the difficult events feel like a blessing. Or maybe it is just a result of sleeping for more than 4 hours after a month. Who knows. 😛

I then did some jumping jacks and started to fall asleep while doing crunches, so I did a 10 minute zumba for which I was checking the time every 2 minutes because my stamina dips faster than the logical arguments of bhakts (wait, that’s not possible, they have no logic), followed by a 10 minute guided meditation audio, during which I thought about blogging because the audio was asking me to be in the present and I LISTEN TO NO MAN! 😛

Drinking my hot water with honey and ginger right now along with eating seeds, while realizing that it is already 10 am and these activities should be done 2 hours earlier. Better late than never though.

Here’s hoping for more good things to happen today and a better tomorrow.

Cheers.

#13 Pyaaz Bytes: A Tryst with Nothingness and Hope

Today is one of those days when I got nothing to write about. Nothing. Zippo. Nada. So I will write about having nothing to write about cause it’s my blog and I can. The only place where I have free will or the illusion of it. One can never know.

I was planning to not write tonight. Again. Yet my heart just said that I had to, otherwise I will break my promise to myself. If anyone is reading this, apologies for the tardiness today.

I got asked the worst question ever today. That too twice. No, it was not “When are you getting married you are so old I don’t have a life haha”. It was- ” What are your future plans for your career? Where will you shift after your current job?”

Fortunately, the questions were asked by my friends, so I just shut them up by saying- “Don’t ask me these HR questions.” and attempted to fake laugh to not sound rude.

In my mind, I was blank. Both the times. Nothing. Nada. I have no clue. I used to think that I had a clue. I used to think about my career path and how I will navigate it. But now, I do not know if I even want to do those things, or if I am capable of doing those things. The fear of uncertainty gripped me in the entirety and I spiraled into a mild existential crisis. I say ‘mild’ here because I have had worse ones.

I wonder if I will always be like this, or things will improve with age as I will be more sure about it, though I do not see any super-confident and content adults around me. It makes me wonder if I have the chance of ever being sure of myself. It is funny how there are numerous Ted Talks on “Finding your Passion” and then numerous others on “It is all Hoax”. I find both bullshit.

Maybe it is because life is different for each person and the only thing common is hope. There can never be black and white. It is a rainbow with multiple shades and palettes, some of which cannot even be labelled.

I am probably off-brown as I am brown and something is always off about me. I don’t know if I make sense here. I don’t care about it. I am happy to live under the illusion of free-will over my blog. Do not dare to touch it.

I went from nothing to 434 words. Writing is truly an enriching activity.

Here’s to 434 words of Day 13. Cheers!

#10 Pyaaz Bytes – Trashy and Tired

Hello Scrollers,

I know I had promised to post the improved version of the piece I had written for my workshop but I did not. This is because I am suddenly swamped with work. It’s funny how I was cribbing last week that I am bored because of no work and now the floodgates have opened, so I am cribbing because of too much work. My life is just giving me everything in extremes, and by everything, I mean only the things I do not want.

So my mind is tired because I have been reading research papers all day, with no clue as to what is to be done after consuming all that shitload of knowledge. Research just feels like a convoluted labyrinth created by Satan. The more you try to figure it out, the more it traps you.

In other news, I realized today that all men in my life are trash #notallmen. Yes, I do not mean all men of the world, I just mean that those in my life are trash. Even the ones I thought are not trash turned out to be trash, which I realized today due to some incidents which I cannot talk about here.

I know someone (if anyone reads my rants) might say in their head that it is because I am trash. However, after using my research abilities and logic of deduction, I have deduced that the women in my life are not trash. It’s only the men.

It’s not me, it’s them. #menaretrashineedcash

ME

My faith in people is just about to hit rock bottom and it is not something I am aiming. I guess that is life for some people.

In more other news, I am keeping up with my skin care regime. I received my BodyShop Tea Tree Face Mask and Night cream 5 days ago. I have used the face mask twice, including today. On the other days, I am using the night cream after cleansing with BodyShop face wash and toning with a Plum alcohol free toner, as toners with alcohol tend to make the skin dry. No, I have no plans to become a beauty blogger, neither am I promoting BodyShop. I do wish they paid me though.

I also did my neck exercises today. I was feeling very drowsy after I woke up, even though I slept for more than 7 hours. I will have to find the right time to wake up undisturbed, according to my sleep cycle and set the alarm appropriately.

Post breakfast naps are highly underrated. Let’s start a petition and tweet with #napsnotwaps. Hurry!

Tweet

Here’s to 449 words of Day 10. Cheers!

#8 Pyaaz Bytes: Periods- The Period Putter

Hello Scrollers,

I used to wonder why menstruation was called periods in the colloquial term. Someone said that it is called “periods” because it is something which happens periodically, i.e., once in a month. I believed it.

But it is now that I understand the true meaning of the term – it brings a halt or a puts a period to one’s normal routine.

Periods lead to increased drowsiness as the blood loss tires the body. It is difficult to exercise because of the pain. I sufficed with only my neck movements today.

Periods leads to uneasiness, making it difficult to work.

The mood swings and irritation makes it difficult to interact with people. Even if you are not working, one can face difficulty in just spending the day because of the pain, uneasiness and mood swings.

It hurts to lay down, to sit or to stand up. The most useful thing I find is to distract oneself with any movie or TV show but then I didn’t even feel like watching anything. I did not even watch Zindagi Gulzar Hai.

Plus I had work and guests coming and family members asking why am I so glum even after I clearly stated the reason… So yeah, not a great day.

I had a few topics in mind to write about such as a full musing on Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives and another on Male Privilege. I will write about the latter very soon. I also want to write a musing on the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy after I finish it but I have been reading it since so long that I have forgotten a lot of it.

I was thinking about time management today. How I waste my precious minutes in checking my phone unnecessarily and get lost into it for 10-15 minutes, and then pick it up again after 5 minutes. It has become a bad habit and I need to get over it. The reason I want to get over is that I suddenly have a lot of work now, along with which I wish to accomplish other things too and not ignore my keyboard, reading and writing.

I do think that I will have to ditch the keyboard for a while as I am not enjoying it that much as of now. I learnt what I did not know- reading Western music sheets and basics of chords. I don’t think continuing the class will help me anymore, though I have paid for the whole month. I will think about it.

Here’s to 427 words of Day 8. Cheers!

#3 Pyaaz Bytes- Zindagi….Gulzaar Hai……

Zindagiiii…….Gulzaar hai…..Ye Ishq kaaaaa…..Darbaar haiii………..

No, I have not become crazy or optimistic (what’s the difference :P).

I recently started watching the show “Zindagi Gulzaar Hai” on Netflix and I am obsessed.

It is a Pakistani show from the year 2012. I remember how, during graduation, my batchmates used to love the show and swoon over the male protagonist ,Zarun, all day, played by none other than the very handsome Fawad Khan.

I used to make fun of them for watching a “soap opera” and that too Pakistani. Yes, I used to be that kind of a jerk, though I have understood my mistakes and have changed a lot.

I got interested in watching the show after reading about it on Instagram. An amazing page called Gangs of Cinepur posted her perspective about the show. It made me intrigued to watch the show as the show revolves around feminism.

I know that I sound ignorant, but I was surprised to see that girls dressed in western clothes is common in Pakistan. In fact, their treatment of women is very similar to that in India. Girls are allowed freedom in some families and treated as burden in many, just like it is here. This is why intermingling of people from different cultures is important to extinguish the “Us vs Them” complex and bring harmony.

So far, I have watched 12 episodes and I am hooked. I like that the show is gradually revealing the background of each of the main characters, which gives them depth. They are showed as grey characters and not as completely saintly or utmost evil, which is the case with most soap operas.

The character of the female protagonist, Kashaf, seemed very irritating in the beginning as she was constantly cribbing and complaining and seeing negative in everything. She never counted her blessings of having such a loving mother and sisters, and being so intelligent. Her family asked her to be positive and count her blessings all the time, specially the lovely Sidra.  However, I now realize that she never appreciated herself or her life because she never received validation from her father. Her father had always treated girl children as a burden and never appreciated her, which might have created a complex in her. Yes, daddy issues are very real and not entirely sexual 😛

 The best part is that the show has only 36 episodes and have not been dragged for decades, as the soap operas in India. I am really grateful for OTTs for some amazing Indian shows.

An irritating part of the show are the pathetic supporting actors, for example Kashaf’s friend Maria. The acting of almost all of the supporting cast at the University is bad. There is no depth to Kashaf’s and Maria’s friendship. Kashaf is rude to her most of the time and seems to talk to her as a formality, while poor Maria keeps calling her a close friend and running after her. It made me feel as if Maria has inferiority complex or is just too lonely.

The title track of the show keeps repeating in my head and I am just unable to stop it. I will write more on the show in the coming days.

Here’s to 599 words of Day 3 of writing. Cheers!

P.S. I hope no one reports me as an anti-national for discussing a Pakistani show and Fawad Khan here. I do not really want to go to jail. If anyone has thought about reporting me, chill the hell out.

#2 Pyaaz Bytes : Mundane Stuff

Hello Scrollers,

Here I am, adhering to my commitment of writing 200 words a day. It is only the second day and I was procrastinating as I had nothing to write. Yet, I have decided to complete the bare minimum and keep up with my self-promise.

I was just checking out any other blogging websites which might be better than WordPress as I am not loving the overall look of the blog. Then I found that the best and most user-friendly website is WordPress. Wow. I will check the settings and see what I can tweak the look in the free version.

I could not exercise today as my left shoulder is aching since 2 days. I just did the neck movements and decided to give my shoulder a rest. I did take painkillers as the pain was killing me. I hope it heals soon so that I can start my exercise.

I am also thinking about joining a gym as my pants from 2 months ago are not fitting me anymore. But it might be unsafe during pandemic. I just do not want to be the reason for making my family sick of the virus, they are already sick of me.

I tried to wake up early in the morning today but could not because I slept very late. I hope to sleep earlier than usual tonight and wake up early tomorrow. It’s one of the most difficult tasks for me as I simply lying on the bed makes me feel very restless. In the morning, I feel so tired that I let myself believe that if I wake up early then I would feel tired all day. However, I have to try everyday to achieve it and I will.

I did practice keyboard. My Sir had sent me notes of “Tum Hi Ho” from Aashiqui 2, which is a beautiful song. I am able to play effortlessly with the right hand but unable to play the chords. I need a lot more practice. Practice is the key here. My mind keeps telling me to quit the chords as it is very difficult for me.

“When the going gets tough, I get going”.

I always want to find a way out of any discomfort. It is my habit. I quit too easy on a lot of things since childhood. It is a pattern in me. Still, I am convincing it to not give up so easily as I have not practiced much.I do feel bad that I cancelled the class today but the sprain was making it difficult to play. Also, to be honest, I had only practiced today and was not able to play properly. I will definitely join the next class.

My reading of 10 pages is still left. Along with my skin care, which I will do after posting this.

I managed to write 488 words. Yay!

Here’s to a good Day Two. Cheers!

Let A Person Be

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”

                                                                                                                                                                     ― Mark Twain

A challenging task it is to arrive in terms of your own self, and even more challenging is to maintain the state.

After years of being teased and bullied for being the girl who is too thin,too Bihari, too tensed, who wears thick glasses, who constantly looks grim, who looks weird, walks weirdly,  talks weirdly, doesn’t smile, and I don’t know what not,  it is very difficult to like oneself,  but yes, I have begun trying.

I believe age did the trick here, as I am still taunted and teased for most of it and some more. To be honest, it has reduced my confidence to such an extent that I don’t know if I ever will be a confident person. Constant assurances do work for the short term, but it is a tiring task. It has made me too much dependent on other people for compliments and reassurances, which backfires many times if someone says anything “unfavorable”.  Fortunately, the realization of your flaw is a big leap towards improvement.

We often listen and read about how we should not care about other people’s opinion of ourselves and we all agree that it is true. However, if it is a universal idea, why do we give it anyway? What’s the point?

However, people around us do throw words at us and we are affected by them.  We can’t just wake  up one fine day and stop giving a shit. It does matter to us. It does affect our energy, even if we think otherwise.

By the time I was in my third year of graduation,  my brain became so sick and tired of all the constant badgering that a great defense mechanism emerged – Self-depreciating humor-and boy have I used it!

As a matter of fact, I still use it, almost all the time, though the intensity has reduced, and will hopefully reduce further. Self-depreciating humor is excellent, but at the end of the day, it is a defense mechanism, hence, unhealthy and fucks up the brain. It just made me a bitter person from within and almost all my friendships were just shallow, as I had no confidence that anybody wants to be my friend. Being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely is not easy.

 

I know and always knew that the people aren’t lying. I am too thin( have gained weight now though), I walk and talk differently, my eyes are a little droopy, I have a resting grim face and what not. Nevertheless, these things never bothered me. I cannot change these things. I do not care about smiling much when I am in a neutral mood, I cannot undergo surgery to look “normal”, or change my gait or anything else. In fact, I loved my body when it was thin and I even love it now. These things never bothered me, unless some great observers began to pinpoint it. In front of everyone. All the time. As I have mentioned above, it wrecked havoc in my life.

 

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”

                                                 ― Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

 

Yes, after 22 years, I have come to terms with it.Even though I was and still am “weird”  in many ways, I am breathing, I am working, I am constantly trying to be more self-aware, and hoping for the best.

 

Mind you, coming in terms with all this wasn’t easy and I am still unsure if I am totally in terms with everything. I do not have any method as to how I did it. It just happened. Sometimes, it still bothers me, it makes me sick of myself, it makes  me wish I was someone else, but then I let the thought just pass.  I believe that the struggle is real for all those who have faced such problems.

The seeds of these kinds of problems mainly begin in schools when someone who looks, wears, walks, talks or acts a little differently, is teased and bullied. We don’t realize it, but it affects the person’s psyche in negative ways. It also creates issues in their adult lives. In extreme cases, some children also commit suicide as they are not able to bear it anymore. The teasing may not be the sole reason for the suicide, but if it wasn’t present, maybe it could have been  avoided. You don’t know what is going on in someone’s house or head.

We just can’t  wash our hands from this by blaming the nature for it because the person was “born this way.” Everyone is born a certain way and no one has the right to make the person feel bad for it.

 I hope we all do something to control this epidemic.

I would like to appeal to all of you, let people be. If they aren’t harming anyone, let them be “weird” and don’t, I repeat, don’t, pester them about it. They have enough problems to deal with and your comments degrading their confidence won’t help. I am not saying that you should not correct a friend when they are wrong or your intentions are maligned. Having a bad habit and just being different are two separate things.

Let me give you an example- If someone pronounces a  word wrong, you correct them, politely. If  someone has a different accent, you don’t make fun of them or constantly remind them of it. Let them be. They do not have to change it.

So just live, and let people be. Being different gives the world color. Even the grays are important. Spread the knowledge to all.