#14 Pyaaz Bytes: Anger Mismanagement

There are times when you are angry at so many things at once, that you cannot really say what is making you angry. You feel that you are just angry for no reason. Today is that day for me.

These kind of days are not a rarity for me. They often come out of the blue, or so I think, and go as per their wish. When it came today, I just blamed it on hormones, like always, even though my periods are weeks away. So I decided to think about the reasons for my anger as I write. Please bear with me, if you wish. #consentismandatory

I am angry because I had a very disturbed sleep last night. Technically it’s today morning as I slept at 3:30 am and woke up at 11. My sleep was getting frequently broken and I have been feeling drowsy and cranky since I woke up.

I am angry because I am slacking and I did not write my blog last night. In my defense, I was busy making a “This or That” challenge video with my cousin sister and it took 3 hours to make and edit a 30 second reel. And people think making videos is easy. The sad part is that the video did not garner as many views as I expected and I am unable to think to any new ideas to make a good video. All this made me angrier. Hmph!

I am angry because I watched a video by Swaddle today about how women who are out of their houses after dark for work or anything are considered as “bad women” and they are blamed if they are harassed and raped my men. The “Akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai” shit being propagated since centuries.

We, the human species, are so stupid that we have believed this logically flawed argument since centuries and that too universally. I mean, women are not safe even in their own homes. Sexual harassment by family members is such a common occurrence. Why is the onus on being safe is on women and not on the men who harass them? Women with short clothes, women at night, women with a boy, women with anyone wearing anything and doing anything are unsafe everywhere. Should all women just not exist? We have been suppressing half the population of the world with these illogical arguments since times immemorial and still such little conversation and action is happening to change discourse.

I got a few DMs due to my comment on the video. The ones by a few girls were quite encouraging. One guy blamed it on education and environment and said that just telling men won’t solve anything. He was right. It would not solve anything. But does that mean we keep blaming women and not put the onus of sexual harassment on men? Hell No!!

Environment is not some alien thing on which we do not have control. We make the environment and the environment is patriarchal which leads to toxic masculinity and suppression of women. He also said that men who rape are not from good backgrounds and are mentally unstable. That argument is heavily flawed. The so called “elite” and “educated” people also rape and harass women. There are several incidents of sexual harassment in academia by PhD supervisors and professors.

Moreover, rape is the ultimate form of violence which is done to show power over women. There are so many other forms of oppression such as eve teasing, slut shaming, not allowing freedom to women in household, marital rape, not allowing girls to work or study, not allowing them to go out at night “for their own safety”. Marital rape is not even a crime in India.

I personally have lost so many opportunities in life because I cannot go outside late at night, I cannot go to some places alone, or I cannot do a particular kind of work because it might not be safe. I spend extra money to find “safe” hotels and transportation when I travel, while a lot of my male friends simply hitchhike and stay wherever they want.

My parents do not let me do a lot of things because “it is unsafe”. Yes, it is unsafe. It is unsafe because of the men who have made it unsafe. My suffering because of them is what patriarchy wants and its not my fault. It is unfair and screwed up and it makes me angry almost every single day of my life.

I was about to make a joke here that I am ranting, but it is not a rant. It is the reality which many women face and feel angry about it. If they do not feel angry about it, they should and channelize the anger towards the cause of freedom.

Yes, freedom because women are not free, and the sole reason is patriarchy. Yes, women are patriarchal too. If men had not lured women into patriarchy, it would not have existed. It is high time we recognize the hell-hole we have created and do something about it, even if it is radical because the problem is not getting solved.

I feel as if the root cause of racism, sexism and casteism is similar. I am not saying that the three problems are same and there is intersectionality, but the root cause is suppression of the supposed “weaker” sections. Who originated this shit of sexism? I have no clue. I would really like to know the history though.

So, these are the major reasons which have made me angry today. Patriarchy makes me angry everyday though. It should make us all angry. Feminism for me is being able to walk on the streets at night or any time without feeling scared.

I thought writing about it would calm me down but I am more triggered than ever lol. I will just listen to O Sanam by Lucky Ali for the tenth time today and eat Kurkure.

Here’s to 1011 words of Day 14. Cheers!

And fuck Patriarchy. Or fart on it.

#13 Pyaaz Bytes: A Tryst with Nothingness and Hope

Today is one of those days when I got nothing to write about. Nothing. Zippo. Nada. So I will write about having nothing to write about cause it’s my blog and I can. The only place where I have free will or the illusion of it. One can never know.

I was planning to not write tonight. Again. Yet my heart just said that I had to, otherwise I will break my promise to myself. If anyone is reading this, apologies for the tardiness today.

I got asked the worst question ever today. That too twice. No, it was not “When are you getting married you are so old I don’t have a life haha”. It was- ” What are your future plans for your career? Where will you shift after your current job?”

Fortunately, the questions were asked by my friends, so I just shut them up by saying- “Don’t ask me these HR questions.” and attempted to fake laugh to not sound rude.

In my mind, I was blank. Both the times. Nothing. Nada. I have no clue. I used to think that I had a clue. I used to think about my career path and how I will navigate it. But now, I do not know if I even want to do those things, or if I am capable of doing those things. The fear of uncertainty gripped me in the entirety and I spiraled into a mild existential crisis. I say ‘mild’ here because I have had worse ones.

I wonder if I will always be like this, or things will improve with age as I will be more sure about it, though I do not see any super-confident and content adults around me. It makes me wonder if I have the chance of ever being sure of myself. It is funny how there are numerous Ted Talks on “Finding your Passion” and then numerous others on “It is all Hoax”. I find both bullshit.

Maybe it is because life is different for each person and the only thing common is hope. There can never be black and white. It is a rainbow with multiple shades and palettes, some of which cannot even be labelled.

I am probably off-brown as I am brown and something is always off about me. I don’t know if I make sense here. I don’t care about it. I am happy to live under the illusion of free-will over my blog. Do not dare to touch it.

I went from nothing to 434 words. Writing is truly an enriching activity.

Here’s to 434 words of Day 13. Cheers!

#11 Pyaaz Bytes: OTT Laziness, Hunters and Laugh Tracks

Hello Scrollers,

I have recently realized that I suffer from something called the “OTT Laziness”. You do not need to Google it, because I have created the term myself. I will not call it “digital fatigue” because that occurs when you are forced to face the screen for work.

“OTT Laziness” implies that I begin to feel super lazy as soon as I start watching a new series. I get too engrossed in it. I ignore my work. I procrastinate more. I want to binge eat. I even start ignoring my routine tasks such as reading and exercise.

I know I have a lot of work, so I was controlling myself to start any new series. However, I was getting bored while eating, so I started watching Hunters on Prime, as I had read in some random comment on some random post on Instagram that it is about the Jews killing the Nazis.

Historical fiction is my favorite genre. I have some weird fascination with holocaust, World War 2 and Jews. I loved Man in the High Castle. I think it’s because I love history and any movie or series of this genre makes me relate to the stuff I have read in the past. It is fascinating to know so many aspects of a historical event, varied experiences and accounts. It makes me angry that people are capable of such horrific acts but also gives me hope that a lot of people survive, despite all odds, and can make a good life later, without forgetting what they went through.

“There is nothing but the past” was said by Al Pacino in the series. It reminded me of “Sab kuch yaad rakha jayega”, a poem which became popular during CAA-NRC protests.

The flashback of the series showing defiance by Jews in the camps in small ways such as playing the Hava Nagila and Ruth saving a young girl despite knowing that they will get shot for it is inspiring. At first, it made me wonder that what is the point of getting oneself killed for something insignificant like this, but then I realized that it gives others hope. The hope of defiance. The hope that they can also stand up to their perpetrators. It creates a ripple effect. This was depicted in the scene when the other prisoners began humming Hava Nagila after the musicians were killed.

If your defiance inspires others to rebel, it is worth dying for.

I have watched only 2 and a half episodes of the series till now and I am finding it interesting. I hope that it is good, since it casts Al Pacino and Josh Radnor aka Ted Mosby. No doubt that he is a good actor, but it’s just weird to see him as not Ted Mosby, a sweet sexist man whose sole aim is to find the “love of his life”.

Do not get me wrong. I enjoyed HIMYM a lot during my graduation days. I loved all the characters, except Ted. I hated him because he was a simp for Robin and he sugarcoated his assholeness so much that it was annoying. The series was fun to watch, though I think I am little old now to laugh at those jokes. Just like I am to unable laugh while watching FRIENDS anymore. That phase is over.

There are better shows now like The Office, Barry, Schitt’s Creek, Brooklyn Nine Nine, South Park, Family Guy etc., with more likeable characters and no laugh tracks. The jokes are more intelligent, which might not make you Hahahaha every time but Hehe or Hah a lot of times, which is good.

If you remove laugh tracks from shows such as Friends and The Big Bang Theory, the show will be of merely 15- 20 mins with only one or two Hahs. I think Two and A Half Men with Charlie Sheen episodes are an exception to this as I found the jokes funny and did not laugh merely due to the laugh tracks.

 So, screw laugh tracks. #screwlaughtracks.

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I covered myriad topics today from me being lazy to Holocaust to #screwlaughtracks. Phew!

Here’s to 694 words of Day 11. Cheers!

#5 Pyaaz Bytes: Happiest Season etc.

I do not know what to write today because I do not feel like writing. I feel lazy. Yet, I am persisting to keep my promise. I do not know how long I will persist, but I am trying my best. I feel an obligation to blogging because I have publicly declared it and I want the #numbers to increase. It is actually a good incentive. Dopamine rush!!

I woke up at 8:30 today. It was difficult. I had to coax myself again. But I did it. I exercised. I could not do crunches or anything else which involved the core as it is hurting a lot. It might be because my menses are near, so I do not want to harm my body. Instead of engaging my core, I tried to do more cardio and yoga. I danced with Vanu, which was fun. Vanu kept asking when we will do Shavaasana as it was her favorite. Even kids are lazy nowadays. (my typical aunty tone).

I was up till 1:30 am last night as my sister and I were watching the latest Christmas movie “Happiest Season”. I was so excited to watch the movie because of my favorite- Dan Levy.

I even spent all my data to download it from Telegram as Hulu is not in India. The movie was not that bad but I was disappointed as Dan was in a supporting role with very less screen time. His character seemed the same as it was in Schitt’s Creek and this time it was not exactly note-worthy. Otherwise, the movie was like every other Christmas movie where the entire family becomes best friends in the end and everything is happily ever after. Lame.

I do not mind watching light movies sometimes but this one was really forgettable with just one funny moment. I am not a movie reviewer but I would recommend someone to watch the movie only if you want to see a blond Kristen Stewart giving the same expressions she did in Twilight, but this time with a female partner and a few more dialogues

I have watched a few more episodes of Zindagi Gulzar Hai. As predicted, Kashaf is now married to Zarun but a good number of episodes are still left. I am curious to know what will happen now. I am happy that the show has not changed the nature of the characters magically. It is not as if Kashaf has fallen madly for Zarun and her entire personality has changed, or Zarun has changed because of his love for Kashaf. Both characters are still the same, only they do not dislike each other as such.. Kashaf is still does not trust Zarun. She agreed to meet him to talk about marriage due to family pressure and decided to marry him because let the hot cup of tea fall on his hand instead of hers, which made her think that he cares for her.

She keeps thinking that he is still a flirt and always says the same romantic lines he used to say to his various girlfriends in college. I feel that her distrust is slightly valid, given that she is conservative regarding these things. Also, she is insecure in general and does not trust men easily due to her father’s behavior towards her mother and herself. As I previously said, daddy issues are real.

The scenes of Zarun trying to be romantic with her and her awkwardness is hilarious and relatable. Zarun is too cheesy for her. The scene of their first night together is very awkward and hilarious. The direction, acting and scriptwriting is completely on point. Let’s see what happens in the further episodes. I am predicting some drama between Zarun’s mother and Kashaf. There might be surprises. One can never know.

My poor attention span is still making it difficult to read the novel. I did read more than 10 pages today but it required immense force and I was still getting distracted. I was also skipping some overly descriptive lines in between but I think that it is alright to do so. I read in a post by Mark Manson how life is too short to read all the books and we must skip things which do not interest us. Earlier, I used to read everything word by word and felt guilty and had FOMO if I skipped anything. The guilt has reduced a little now, maybe because of laziness or Mark’s advice, I do not know. I think that with regular reading, I will be able to make better judgements which would enable me to read more efficiently.

Efficiency is everything. Everything is efficiency.

It is funny how I did not know what to write and now I have written so much. This is the best part about writing. Once you start, your thoughts just flow.

Here’s to 813 words of Day 5. Cheers!