Yes. This post is what it says. It is a shit post and this is I, a shit poster, who is shit posting on my own blog because why not. Well all my other posts can be categorized as shit posts too, which I did feel when I read them recently. I literally cringed at my own posts, which I wrote just a few months ago. I am sure I am gonna cringe at this post too, but who cares. Well, I do but anyways.
I realized today for the nth time that my writing skills have just become too shitty. It takes me hours to come up with good original formal sentences, there is no flair and I just prefer copy pasting rather than writing anything original. Maybe it’s fear or maybe I am just fucking stupid, I have no clue. So I thought of writing my blog again cause I haven’t written anything in such a long time. Will this random writing help me improve my game? I have no clue. However, (I didn’t use but here. hah!) I love to rant anyways and people won’t listen to me if I say it to them, so why not write it. Will I love it if someone reviews my writing and encourages me more? Obviously. Will I be heart broken if they ask for too many changes? Definitely.
Wow! I am at a loss now as to what to write. I am so damn confused all the time about everything. I really need to work on myself. Will I post about it? Well, I want to….but I am also afraid cause it’s too personal. I know anyone will hardly read it, but if I do become famous one day, everyone will know about my depressies :P. Man! that was mean, even for me. What is wrong with me? A lot of trauma! How to make it right? Lots of therapy and self work, which I am trying but it does take a lot of time and mental energy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am doomed for life, but if I was, I wouldn’t have got the help I needed and chances to improve and make my life better.
“Suffering has a reason” and I do believe in that. I am in no way romanticizing suffering of people due to poverty, sickness or mental health issues or anything else. It’s not fair. However, I am just trying to make sense of my own suffering because I am trying to improve and change my situation here, using all the privilege I have because I am lucky that way and I am thankful for that. I just realised that I write very long sentences. Will try to improve on that front too.
I hope to sleep properly today as I have been having very disturbed sleep since days. Hope to write again soon.
P.S. I ate some cheese today and I am lactose intolerant. I am already very gassy and I might die of diarrhea tonight. So I will see you if I don’t.
What is it about 10 PM that brings the incredible gift of purpose, focus and hope in my life?
Before 10 PM today, I was living in utter purgatory. I was feeling incredibly stressed since morning, I was unable to concentrate on my work, I was freaking out every 5 mins about everything and I just wanted to lie down and cry, a lot. I was even about to cry during the session with my therapist because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Nothing was happening right.
After 10 PM, everything changed. The breeze became cooler. I was able to put myself in a chair and open my laptop to work. I was able to find the right avenues for job search. It felt like some magic had happened and I was destined to be here. I started to feel that everything is not wrong with my life and I can get out of every bad situation I find myself in. Most importantly, I started seeing hope.
This is not the first time this has happened. Nighttime brings incredible vigor and focus sometimes. However, it also leads to myself being drained out the entire day, feeling stressed, anxious and incredibly tired. Hence, night time madness is not a sustainable solution for me. I do find comfort in the night but I need to find an ideal time to sleep so that I could wake up a little early in the morning to maintain my newly decided routine, which has become too distorted currently due to PMS and periods.
Today was one of the days when I was unable to take control of my thoughts and emotions. I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed the entire day. I was not able to relax or rest even if I tried to because I was stressed about work, not that I was able to get any important work done today due to feeling overwhelmed and it formed a vicious cycle. I did not even feel hungry all day. My body was hungry but I was not, which led to erratic meals. I decided to cook cabbage because I had the dough to make rotis. So I suppressed my urge to order from outside and cooked. However, the dough was very less, which led to two very small rotis, one of which got burned. After some time, my body was hungry again and I thought maybe I would feel good if I eat something. Hence, I ordered 2 frankies from Yo Frankie. Unfortunately, they turned out to be too spicy. Even a person who likes spicy food would not have been able to eat it. I was only able to eat one, that too with a lot of difficulty and called up Swiggy to return my money, which they did not. Instead, I got a coupon for Rs.95 which would expire in 30 days. I paid Rs.130. It was a loss my baniya brain would never forget. š
I then went out for a haircut, as my hair was not in great shape due to enormous hair fall, and I hoped going out would calm me a little. I even got a highlight and hair spa. The hair got too short but I like it. I have had long hair for too long, though long hair looks good on me. I hope my hair tangles less now and my hair fall reduces. My head does feel incredibly light now.
During my therapy session, I was so overwhelmed that I could not even listen to my therapist attentively. She did manage to get me in a better state by the end of the session (a good therapist is a blessing tbh), and reiterated the importance of mindfulness. Mindfulness is this incredible practice where we focus on the present while doing any task, ergo, be mindful of the task. We can do this my activating our senses and then the mind will follow suit. One can start by practicing it for at least 2 minutes a day, while doing anything, even a mundane task.
For example, I decided to practice it while kneading the dough tonight. I activated my sense of hearing and heard the fan and the flickering of the tube light. I activated my sense of sight and focused on the white colour of the flour, which was twisting and changing while being kneaded. I activated my sense of touch, feeling the texture of the dough, how it was dry before and then started becoming wet and sticky.
Sounds simple, right? No, it isn’t. At least not for me. My monkey mind kept wandering. It kept thinking what to do next, what to write on my blog, what to do tomorrow…blah blah blah. To be honest, it was just thinking the way it is used to thinking. Hence, when I was trying something new, it was being met with a lot of resistance. My therapist had told me that this will happen, it is completely normal and this will change time and practice. I did realize how I always keep thinking about “the next thing” while doing anything and never live in the present. Practicing mindfulness might help me and keep me more grounded and less overwhelmed. I have decided to practice it at least for 2 minutes a day while cooking. Let’s see what happens.
Other than the things which happened after 10 PM, there were a few other good things which happened today. My video about Menstrual Cups was well received and sparked a conversation about the ladies on my alumni group. I also received compliments for it from my girl friends. Some of my girl friends also flattered me with compliments about my looks and my hair and made me feel like a diva. Girl friends are the best thing. I love and cherish mine.
I feel exhausted right now, even though I feel like writing more or reading a book, I think I should at least try to get back to my schedule again, slowly and steadily. I hope to do some exercise tomorrow, eat healthy, get work done and not feel overwhelmed as I did today. I also feel that I should not write this blog as it is too personal and it should not be in the public space. I do not have a problem with it but future employers might. I do not know to be honest. On one hand I want a job but I also do not want to work somewhere which suppresses free speech. Let me know your thoughts about it.
Here’s to 1109 words of despair and hope for today.
After a long hiatus, here I am again, wanting again to rant about my life. I decided to write today because I like writing better than speaking (yes, I am the text over calls person most times) and no one listens to my shit anyways, so I hope someone might read it.
I woke up at 7:45 am today, which is 3 hours prior to my usual waking up time. This miracle happened because I woke up at 6:30 am yesterday after being coaxed by a friend to go for a run, hence I slept at 12, which is 3 hours prior to my usual dozing off time. I was supposed to wake up at 6 again, but I lazed around because my friend did not call me, so lack of extrinsic motivation, and also, I am me, so lack of intrinsic motivation. I finally motivated myself to wake up and workout a little because my legs were already aching and taking too much rest would not help. Also, I really want to be fit and healthy because that is how humans are supposed to be and I am not feeling good about my physical health right now. I have also gained a lot of weight which is now showing on my body, which I do not really mind as I still love how I look and I do look awesome, but my clothes do not fit me anymore and some of them are expensive. So I need to drop off that belly fat.
After waking up and wasting 10 mins checking social media, same way I did above by digressing from the point, I put on some music and went to brush my teeth. While looking at myself in the mirror, I felt so blessed. I felt blessed for being able to live alone and having the freedom to listen to music out loud and groove to it while brushing my teeth. Yes, this simple thing made me feel happy. Then I did start thinking about work and ten other stressors which plague my life, but despite all that, I did have the moment, which made me happy. I sensed a strong appreciation for my mind and soul because even after so much recent mental and emotional turmoil, it can still conjure the good things in my life which truly over power the bad ones and make even the difficult events feel like a blessing. Or maybe it is just a result of sleeping for more than 4 hours after a month. Who knows. š
I then did some jumping jacks and started to fall asleep while doing crunches, so I did a 10 minute zumba for which I was checking the time every 2 minutes because my stamina dips faster than the logical arguments of bhakts (wait, that’s not possible, they have no logic), followed by a 10 minute guided meditation audio, during which I thought about blogging because the audio was asking me to be in the present and I LISTEN TO NO MAN! š
Drinking my hot water with honey and ginger right now along with eating seeds, while realizing that it is already 10 am and these activities should be done 2 hours earlier. Better late than never though.
Here’s hoping for more good things to happen today and a better tomorrow.
There are times when you are angry at so many things at once, that you cannot really say what is making you angry. You feel that you are just angry for no reason. Today is that day for me.
These kind of days are not a rarity for me. They often come out of the blue, or so I think, and go as per their wish. When it came today, I just blamed it on hormones, like always, even though my periods are weeks away. So I decided to think about the reasons for my anger as I write. Please bear with me, if you wish. #consentismandatory
I am angry because I had a very disturbed sleep last night. Technically it’s today morning as I slept at 3:30 am and woke up at 11. My sleep was getting frequently broken and I have been feeling drowsy and cranky since I woke up.
I am angry because I am slacking and I did not write my blog last night. In my defense, I was busy making a “This or That” challenge video with my cousin sister and it took 3 hours to make and edit a 30 second reel. And people think making videos is easy. The sad part is that the video did not garner as many views as I expected and I am unable to think to any new ideas to make a good video. All this made me angrier. Hmph!
I am angry because I watched a video by Swaddle today about how women who are out of their houses after dark for work or anything are considered as “bad women” and they are blamed if they are harassed and raped my men. The “Akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai” shit being propagated since centuries.
We, the human species, are so stupid that we have believed this logically flawed argument since centuries and that too universally. I mean, women are not safe even in their own homes. Sexual harassment by family members is such a common occurrence. Why is the onus on being safe is on women and not on the men who harass them? Women with short clothes, women at night, women with a boy, women with anyone wearing anything and doing anything are unsafe everywhere. Should all women just not exist? We have been suppressing half the population of the world with these illogical arguments since times immemorial and still such little conversation and action is happening to change discourse.
I got a few DMs due to my comment on the video. The ones by a few girls were quite encouraging. One guy blamed it on education and environment and said that just telling men won’t solve anything. He was right. It would not solve anything. But does that mean we keep blaming women and not put the onus of sexual harassment on men? Hell No!!
Environment is not some alien thing on which we do not have control. We make the environment and the environment is patriarchal which leads to toxic masculinity and suppression of women. He also said that men who rape are not from good backgrounds and are mentally unstable. That argument is heavily flawed. The so called “elite” and “educated” people also rape and harass women. There are several incidents of sexual harassment in academia by PhD supervisors and professors.
Moreover, rape is the ultimate form of violence which is done to show power over women. There are so many other forms of oppression such as eve teasing, slut shaming, not allowing freedom to women in household, marital rape, not allowing girls to work or study, not allowing them to go out at night “for their own safety”. Marital rape is not even a crime in India.
I personally have lost so many opportunities in life because I cannot go outside late at night, I cannot go to some places alone, or I cannot do a particular kind of work because it might not be safe. I spend extra money to find “safe” hotels and transportation when I travel, while a lot of my male friends simply hitchhike and stay wherever they want.
My parents do not let me do a lot of things because “it is unsafe”. Yes, it is unsafe. It is unsafe because of the men who have made it unsafe. My suffering because of them is what patriarchy wants and its not my fault. It is unfair and screwed up and it makes me angry almost every single day of my life.
I was about to make a joke here that I am ranting, but it is not a rant. It is the reality which many women face and feel angry about it. If they do not feel angry about it, they should and channelize the anger towards the cause of freedom.
Yes, freedom because women are not free, and the sole reason is patriarchy. Yes, women are patriarchal too. If men had not lured women into patriarchy, it would not have existed. It is high time we recognize the hell-hole we have created and do something about it, even if it is radical because the problem is not getting solved.
I feel as if the root cause of racism, sexism and casteism is similar. I am not saying that the three problems are same and there is intersectionality, but the root cause is suppression of the supposed “weaker” sections. Who originated this shit of sexism? I have no clue. I would really like to know the history though.
So, these are the major reasons which have made me angry today. Patriarchy makes me angry everyday though. It should make us all angry. Feminism for me is being able to walk on the streets at night or any time without feeling scared.
I thought writing about it would calm me down but I am more triggered than ever lol. I will just listen to O Sanam by Lucky Ali for the tenth time today and eat Kurkure.
I know I had promised to post the improved version of the piece I had written for my workshop but I did not. This is because I am suddenly swamped with work. Itās funny how I was cribbing last week that I am bored because of no work and now the floodgates have opened, so I am cribbing because of too much work. My life is just giving me everything in extremes, and by everything, I mean only the things I do not want.
So my mind is tired because I have been reading research papers all day, with no clue as to what is to be done after consuming all that shitload of knowledge. Research just feels like a convoluted labyrinth created by Satan. The more you try to figure it out, the more it traps you.
In other news, I realized today that all men in my life are trash #notallmen. Yes, I do not mean all men of the world, I just mean that those in my life are trash. Even the ones I thought are not trash turned out to be trash, which I realized today due to some incidents which I cannot talk about here.
I know someone (if anyone reads my rants) might say in their head that it is because I am trash. However, after using my research abilities and logic of deduction, I have deduced that the women in my life are not trash. Itās only the men.
Itās not me, itās them. #menaretrashineedcash
ME
My faith in people is just about to hit rock bottom and it is not something I am aiming. I guess that is life for some people.
In more other news, I am keeping up with my skin care regime. I received my BodyShop Tea Tree Face Mask and Night cream 5 days ago. I have used the face mask twice, including today. On the other days, I am using the night cream after cleansing with BodyShop face wash and toning with a Plum alcohol free toner, as toners with alcohol tend to make the skin dry. No, I have no plans to become a beauty blogger, neither am I promoting BodyShop. I do wish they paid me though.
I also did my neck exercises today. I was feeling very drowsy after I woke up, even though I slept for more than 7 hours. I will have to find the right time to wake up undisturbed, according to my sleep cycle and set the alarm appropriately.
Post breakfast naps are highly underrated. Letās start a petition and tweet with #napsnotwaps. Hurry!
I do not know if anyone cares, but if you do, Ā apologies for my absence yesterday. I had to go out for a wedding and I was tired when I reached home. I had already penned down an article for Vidyakansha, an NGO I am volunteering for as a content writer. I wrote a lot more than 200 words, so my quota was already done. No cheat day. Yay!
I did cheat upon my reading yesterday and my exercise today. I have abandoned my keyboard practice altogether as I do have the time or interest for it right now. Mostly interest. I have taken up research work on two fronts and also wrote a blog for my friendās travel company today. So overall, my writing work is on. I am not sure about the quality of my content yet. My Vidyakansha article and the travel article were well received, though I think that anything which someone else writes seems fine to others generally. Yeah, I got low self esteem and massive trust issues. Stop me if you can. Please.
I will post an improved version of the piece I had written for the writing workshop as the instructor said he liked it and suggested to make it more descriptive. The piece does not have any words exceeding two syllables, adjectives or adverbs, and I have tried to describe everything using verbs, which did make the article a little bland, but that was the task. I could not even use the word sanitizer and sufficed with spirit.
I will use a few adjectives in the version I post here to make it a little more interesting, though the feel of the piece is mundane. I hope you will like it.
I do not know what to write today because I do not feel like writing. I feel lazy. Yet, I am persisting to keep my promise. I do not know how long I will persist, but I am trying my best. I feel an obligation to blogging because I have publicly declared it and I want the #numbers to increase. It is actually a good incentive. Dopamine rush!!
I woke up at 8:30 today. It was difficult. I had to coax myself again. But I did it. I exercised. I could not do crunches or anything else which involved the core as it is hurting a lot. It might be because my menses are near, so I do not want to harm my body. Instead of engaging my core, I tried to do more cardio and yoga. I danced with Vanu, which was fun. Vanu kept asking when we will do Shavaasana as it was her favorite. Even kids are lazy nowadays. (my typical aunty tone).
I was up till 1:30 am last night as my sister and I were watching the latest Christmas movie āHappiest Seasonā. I was so excited to watch the movie because of my favorite- Dan Levy.
I even spent all my data to download it from Telegram as Hulu is not in India. The movie was not that bad but I was disappointed as Dan was in a supporting role with very less screen time. His character seemed the same as it was in Schittās Creek and this time it was not exactly note-worthy. Otherwise, the movie was like every other Christmas movie where the entire family becomes best friends in the end and everything is happily ever after. Lame.
I do not mind watching light movies sometimes but this one was really forgettable with just one funny moment. I am not a movie reviewer but I would recommend someone to watch the movie only if you want to see a blond Kristen Stewart giving the same expressions she did in Twilight, but this time with a female partner and a few more dialogues
I have watched a few more episodes of Zindagi Gulzar Hai. As predicted, Kashaf is now married to Zarun but a good number of episodes are still left. I am curious to know what will happen now. I am happy that the show has not changed the nature of the characters magically. It is not as if Kashaf has fallen madly for Zarun and her entire personality has changed, or Zarun has changed because of his love for Kashaf. Both characters are still the same, only they do not dislike each other as such.. Kashaf is still does not trust Zarun. She agreed to meet him to talk about marriage due to family pressure and decided to marry him because let the hot cup of tea fall on his hand instead of hers, which made her think that he cares for her.
She keeps thinking that he is still a flirt and always says the same romantic lines he used to say to his various girlfriends in college. I feel that her distrust is slightly valid, given that she is conservative regarding these things. Also, she is insecure in general and does not trust men easily due to her father’s behavior towards her mother and herself. As I previously said, daddy issues are real.
The scenes of Zarun trying to be romantic with her and her awkwardness is hilarious and relatable. Zarun is too cheesy for her. The scene of their first night together is very awkward and hilarious. The direction, acting and scriptwriting is completely on point. Letās see what happens in the further episodes. I am predicting some drama between Zarunās mother and Kashaf. There might be surprises. One can never know.
My poor attention span is still making it difficult to read the novel. I did read more than 10 pages today but it required immense force and I was still getting distracted. I was also skipping some overly descriptive lines in between but I think that it is alright to do so. I read in a post by Mark Manson how life is too short to read all the books and we must skip things which do not interest us. Earlier, I used to read everything word by word and felt guilty and had FOMO if I skipped anything. The guilt has reduced a little now, maybe because of laziness or Markās advice, I do not know. I think that with regular reading, I will be able to make better judgements which would enable me to read more efficiently.
Efficiency is everything. Everything is efficiency.
It is funny how I did not know what to write and now I have written so much. This is the best part about writing. Once you start, your thoughts just flow.
OnionMusings 