I did not blog for the last 2 days. I feel like I am thinking and worrying about a lot of things and I do not have the headspace for blogging. I could have just written something but I did not want to write anything, which is actually what I am doing now anyways. 😛
“Headspace”. I find the word funny and also eerie as whenever I think about the word, I imagine an a huge green beady eyed alien above the Earth with its brain a few inches above its open skull. So there is space in the head. I know how it sounds but that’s what I think.
Closest Image I could Find
I wonder if we have limited headspace or we just think that it is limited. Or we can take in enormous amounts of things at the same time. I feel that it is limited in my case as I am not able to type anything interesting about the topic which I chose. Focus is faltering as I am thinking about too many things at the same time. I got my answer to my above question now. I am a genius. On your knees peasants. On your damn knees.
I did not feel like writing yesterday. I did not even feel like writing today and I was about to sleep when suddenly an idea popped into my head and I had to type it out. Also, I was feeling this guilt of not writing, so here I am, typing with a headache because I am drowsy since an hour.
While talking to a friend today, I realized how inconsistent I am at almost everything in life. I say almost because there are some activities which I do everyday- brush my teeth, wash my face, pee , poop and eat. Apart from this and some other necessary physiological activities, which includes Instagram and Whatsapp :P, I find it nearly impossible to be consistent at anything in life.
So many quotes and stories about how consistency changes lives and how it is more important than just being smart. I am neither.
I have been consistent for some days for things which seemed very important to me such as preparing for CAT, or board exams during school. Otherwise, I have prepared for all my exams at the last minute. I do not even feel like going out of the house everyday. I do not feel like talking to people everyday. I cannot maintain a consistent sleep schedule. The things I promised I would do everyday are not happening anymore such as reading or keyboard. I want to reduce weight but I am unable to follow a diet or exercise everyday. I wanted to consult an expert for it but then did not because I know I would not be consistent and waste my money.
Hell, I am not even consistent at having fun. At college also, some days I wanted to have fun with friends, but when it became everyday, it just set me off, even if I was free. This problem has affected me in a lot of ways, even in relationships.
My therapist told me that this happens to me because I think a lot before doing anything and I think so much that my energy is gone before I could actually do it. That includes even small things like just getting up to put my phone to charge. Her advice to me was to just do it. It’s easier said than done but it did work for a while. I think because I did not think much, I just opened my laptop and started typing now, no matter how mindlessly. But guess what? I was not consistent at it either. I do not do the things I like everyday just because I have no clue. It just how my mind works. Maybe it is the same thing which triggers my escapism. I do not know.
I have to force myself so much to do simple things, which just scares me all the time. I do not understand how a lot of people work so hard make a big name for themselves. I wonder if I will remain like this forever and how will I survive like this or have a good life if I continue like this. Will I ever be able to reach my goals and fulfill my dreams?
Can we be successful in life by not being consistent? Is there some other way for me to make things work? I have no clue. All I can do is try consistently. 😛
OnionMusings 