Hello Readers,
What is it about 10 PM that brings the incredible gift of purpose, focus and hope in my life?
Before 10 PM today, I was living in utter purgatory. I was feeling incredibly stressed since morning, I was unable to concentrate on my work, I was freaking out every 5 mins about everything and I just wanted to lie down and cry, a lot. I was even about to cry during the session with my therapist because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Nothing was happening right.
After 10 PM, everything changed. The breeze became cooler. I was able to put myself in a chair and open my laptop to work. I was able to find the right avenues for job search. It felt like some magic had happened and I was destined to be here. I started to feel that everything is not wrong with my life and I can get out of every bad situation I find myself in. Most importantly, I started seeing hope.
This is not the first time this has happened. Nighttime brings incredible vigor and focus sometimes. However, it also leads to myself being drained out the entire day, feeling stressed, anxious and incredibly tired. Hence, night time madness is not a sustainable solution for me. I do find comfort in the night but I need to find an ideal time to sleep so that I could wake up a little early in the morning to maintain my newly decided routine, which has become too distorted currently due to PMS and periods.
Today was one of the days when I was unable to take control of my thoughts and emotions. I was just feeling tired and overwhelmed the entire day. I was not able to relax or rest even if I tried to because I was stressed about work, not that I was able to get any important work done today due to feeling overwhelmed and it formed a vicious cycle. I did not even feel hungry all day. My body was hungry but I was not, which led to erratic meals. I decided to cook cabbage because I had the dough to make rotis. So I suppressed my urge to order from outside and cooked. However, the dough was very less, which led to two very small rotis, one of which got burned. After some time, my body was hungry again and I thought maybe I would feel good if I eat something. Hence, I ordered 2 frankies from Yo Frankie. Unfortunately, they turned out to be too spicy. Even a person who likes spicy food would not have been able to eat it. I was only able to eat one, that too with a lot of difficulty and called up Swiggy to return my money, which they did not. Instead, I got a coupon for Rs.95 which would expire in 30 days. I paid Rs.130. It was a loss my baniya brain would never forget. š
I then went out for a haircut, as my hair was not in great shape due to enormous hair fall, and I hoped going out would calm me a little. I even got a highlight and hair spa. The hair got too short but I like it. I have had long hair for too long, though long hair looks good on me. I hope my hair tangles less now and my hair fall reduces. My head does feel incredibly light now.
During my therapy session, I was so overwhelmed that I could not even listen to my therapist attentively. She did manage to get me in a better state by the end of the session (a good therapist is a blessing tbh), and reiterated the importance of mindfulness. Mindfulness is this incredible practice where we focus on the present while doing any task, ergo, be mindful of the task. We can do this my activating our senses and then the mind will follow suit. One can start by practicing it for at least 2 minutes a day, while doing anything, even a mundane task.
For example, I decided to practice it while kneading the dough tonight. I activated my sense of hearing and heard the fan and the flickering of the tube light. I activated my sense of sight and focused on the white colour of the flour, which was twisting and changing while being kneaded. I activated my sense of touch, feeling the texture of the dough, how it was dry before and then started becoming wet and sticky.
Sounds simple, right? No, it isn’t. At least not for me. My monkey mind kept wandering. It kept thinking what to do next, what to write on my blog, what to do tomorrow…blah blah blah. To be honest, it was just thinking the way it is used to thinking. Hence, when I was trying something new, it was being met with a lot of resistance. My therapist had told me that this will happen, it is completely normal and this will change time and practice. I did realize how I always keep thinking about “the next thing” while doing anything and never live in the present. Practicing mindfulness might help me and keep me more grounded and less overwhelmed. I have decided to practice it at least for 2 minutes a day while cooking. Let’s see what happens.
Other than the things which happened after 10 PM, there were a few other good things which happened today. My video about Menstrual Cups was well received and sparked a conversation about the ladies on my alumni group. I also received compliments for it from my girl friends. Some of my girl friends also flattered me with compliments about my looks and my hair and made me feel like a diva. Girl friends are the best thing. I love and cherish mine.
I feel exhausted right now, even though I feel like writing more or reading a book, I think I should at least try to get back to my schedule again, slowly and steadily. I hope to do some exercise tomorrow, eat healthy, get work done and not feel overwhelmed as I did today. I also feel that I should not write this blog as it is too personal and it should not be in the public space. I do not have a problem with it but future employers might. I do not know to be honest. On one hand I want a job but I also do not want to work somewhere which suppresses free speech. Let me know your thoughts about it.
Here’s to 1109 words of despair and hope for today.
Cheers!
OnionMusings 