#15 Pyaaz Bytes: Consistency is Key?

Hello Scrollers,

I did not feel like writing yesterday. I did not even feel like writing today and I was about to sleep when suddenly an idea popped into my head and I had to type it out. Also, I was feeling this guilt of not writing, so here I am, typing with a headache because I am drowsy since an hour.

While talking to a friend today, I realized how inconsistent I am at almost everything in life. I say almost because there are some activities which I do everyday- brush my teeth, wash my face, pee , poop and eat. Apart from this and some other necessary physiological activities, which includes Instagram and Whatsapp :P, I find it nearly impossible to be consistent at anything in life.

So many quotes and stories about how consistency changes lives and how it is more important than just being smart. I am neither.

I have been consistent for some days for things which seemed very important to me such as preparing for CAT, or board exams during school. Otherwise, I have prepared for all my exams at the last minute. I do not even feel like going out of the house everyday. I do not feel like talking to people everyday. I cannot maintain a consistent sleep schedule. The things I promised I would do everyday are not happening anymore such as reading or keyboard. I want to reduce weight but I am unable to follow a diet or exercise everyday. I wanted to consult an expert for it but then did not because I know I would not be consistent and waste my money.

Hell, I am not even consistent at having fun. At college also, some days I wanted to have fun with friends, but when it became everyday, it just set me off, even if I was free. This problem has affected me in a lot of ways, even in relationships.

My therapist told me that this happens to me because I think a lot before doing anything and I think so much that my energy is gone before I could actually do it. That includes even small things like just getting up to put my phone to charge. Her advice to me was to just do it. It’s easier said than done but it did work for a while. I think because I did not think much, I just opened my laptop and started typing now, no matter how mindlessly. But guess what? I was not consistent at it either. I do not do the things I like everyday just because I have no clue. It just how my mind works. Maybe it is the same thing which triggers my escapism. I do not know.

I have to force myself so much to do simple things, which just scares me all the time. I do not understand how a lot of people work so hard make a big name for themselves. I wonder if I will remain like this forever and how will I survive like this or have a good life if I continue like this. Will I ever be able to reach my goals and fulfill my dreams?

Can we be successful in life by not being consistent? Is there some other way for me to make things work? I have no clue. All I can do is try consistently. 😛

Here’s to 482 words of Day 15. Cheers!

#6 Pyaaz Bytes: Wives, Anxiety, etc.

Hello Scrollers,

This is one of those days, which are very frequent in my case, when I do not “feel like doing anything.”

I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, even though I was awake. I finally woke up at 8:45 am , which was one and a half hour later than my expected timing.

I did exercise. I tried light Zumba tutorial on Youtube and danced for 15 minutes, along with stretching. I practiced my piano in the evening, though I got disturbed by a guest. Honestly, I was unable to play properly as I am finding western music difficult, which is dissuading me from practicing. I also want to enjoy playing and that is not happening now, which is making me upset. Yet, I feel that I need to learn to play well, and that will require practice. Ugh!! Why is life like this…..

I also worked today. I had a chat with an important person working on watershed. I do not know if it nervousness or the fact that I had not eaten properly since morning, but my body was a little shaky while talking to him. I was feeling very anxious. I have noticed that I feel anxiety sometimes when my blood sugar level is low. It might be a mix of both, I do not know.

I am feeling quite low today. I have various things on my mind. I am afraid of breaking my self promises. I am forcing myself a lot to keep up with them and this is only the 5^th day. I do not know what to do. I am also PMSing, so that is also there. But it’s not that these things do not happen to me at other times. They do. I have my phases in a cyclical manner the entire month, but I am unable to predict them.

I watched Zindagi Gulzar Hai today also. I am finding it funny but also boring as the scenes are very dragged. Yet I do not feel like watching anything else. *sobs*

I finished watching the “Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives”. Yes, I watch these shit shows because FOMO. I think these types of shows are made for us to watch, cringe, explode on twitter and also feel a little jealous of the inequality.

I had the same expectation from the show as I had with Indian Matchmaking, but I was disappointed as this show was worse. I mean, it was badly scripted and way too fake. People in India do not recognize Neelam Kothari anymore, I do not understand how a person in Doha recognized and stalked her. Lol. It was very bad. At least Indian Matchmaking had some realistic characters. This show had none. Everybody was acting and that too very badly as this show comprised of bad out of work actors. Sometimes I feel that Kekda Ranaut was right about Karan Johar.

I was just thinking that I need to get over my phone and Instagram addiction, and I began scrolling Instagram. I want to cry.

This post feels like the worst post until now. I hate it.

Here’s to 528 words of a shitty Day 6. Cheers!

#1 Pyaaz Bytes : Begin Again

Hello World,

Or

Hello to the Few Peeps Scrolling Past This Piece,

This is not a self-help blog. Well, it might be in a way as I am just helping myself here. I would be the happiest if it helps you too. I would not as you to wake up early in the morning. It is not the cure. I am not as boring as Robin Sharma. I swear.

I just concluded a four-part workshop called “The Art of Clear Writing” by the prolific writer and podcaster Amit Verma.

The workshop taught me several tips on what the title clearly mentions- “Clear Writing”. One of the major teachings was to use as less adjectives and adverbs as possible. This enabled me to explain what the workshop taught me in the first sentence of the paragraph instead of lazily writing “the workshop was amazing what a wow.”

I used to love reading and writing. I still do. They still give me a high, a sense of achievement. However, I have become very lazy with age. Not to say that I am old, I am only 25, though past the marriageable age according to my parents. Still, I do not feel like using my mental capacities a lot. Even my using my physical capacities make me breathless and I have gained a lot of weight. I try a lot to create good habits but they fizzle in a matter of few days, or nowadays even a single day makes me so bored. Yes, bored. Everything becomes boring for me after a week, max. It becomes frustrating for me as I feel that it hinders my work and my well-being.

Hence, I am inspired again today to begin again. I do not remember the nth time I am “beginning again”, but I will begin again, even if I fail because if I don’t, I would never do it. Amit gave a wonderful advice today to not think about the habit one needs to develop but but how we picture our perfect self when we develop the habit. For example: By developing the habit of brushing my teeth every night, my teeth will shine and I will look amazing in photographs. (only if you concentrate on the teeth though).

I will illustrate a few tasks I would like to do every day. I have already installed the Outlook To-Do list app on my phone and have set these tasks to “Repeat Everyday”. I might come up with a few tasks as I type, who knows.

1. Writing 200 Words a Day:

I picture my perfect self as a well-known writer of Op-eds, blogs and research papers. I would also like to write stories and comedy, preferably dark comedy, which will be inspired from my life or I will pretend that it is. My Op-eds and blogs will also contain humor as I love reading and hearing those kind of pieces.

Today was the last session of the workshop and I received the greatest advice:

Start your writing gym.

Build up the writing muscle by writing at least 200 words a day. Well, this is why I am writing this piece, and it has already exceeded the minimum requirement. It can be like a Dear Diary and it can be private. I am posting it on my blog because I like it when someone reads my piece. Validation is important. Or even if no one reads it now, it has the scope to be read by someone as it is in the public domain.

I know that my writing is not the best and it needs practice to improve. It takes a lot of time for me to write something because I keep thinking a lot and most of the time I do not like the end result. I have written two blogs in the last month on Education as I forced myself to volunteer as a content writer at Vidyakansha. Earlier, I used to non-forcibly volunteer for content writing. I have been the editor for my department magazine during graduation. I also earned around Rs.2.5k while working as a content writer for an app. I have been complimented for my writing by my college-mates and have been asked for advice. However, I have lost the confidence, which is also a reason for procrastination.

Hence, I will write at least 200 words each day, on anything I feel like and post it here. It’s my blog. I have the power. I will not hesitate to write as I am not looking for anyone’s opinion on it. Although, I will try not to post gibberish and will post the second or the third draft because the “first draft is a mental dump and we should not hesitate from writing it as no one sees it”, as said by Amit.

I also began watching Zindagi Gulzar Hai today and the protagonists write their diary every day, which inspired me.

2. Reading 10 Pages Every Day:

I envision myself as someone who is a passionate reader and can talk about books forever. Reading takes me to different places. It gives me pleasure and perspective and even if I do not brag about it, I love it.

I used to be an avid reader of fiction when I was in school. I issued a book or two every week from my school library. The librarian used to love me. I also began reading the newspaper when I began my CLAT coaching in Grade 11^th which was a turning point of my life as it transformed my world-view. However, when I began college, I began to lose touch as I “never found the time.”

I used to force myself to read during the holidays and I did manage to complete a book or two. However, with time, my concentration reduced a lot. A LOT. I also started to feel that my memory has been hampered, though there can be a lot of reasons for it.

Now, I take up months to finish a book. I binge-read sometimes, using immense will-power to not get distracted. It makes me feel good. After one binge reading session, I decide to read at least 10 pages every day as finishing a book makes me feel good, but then I just keep procrastinating because I am unable to concentrate and I “do not feel like” reading. I have just become a book hoarder as I still love the idea of reading and not making an effort for the actual act.

However, as I am “Beginning Again” today, that too, quite publicly, I have decided to read at least 10 pages every day. I picked up this advice from the blog of Mark Manson, known for the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.” I do not agree with every life advice on this newsletter but I liked this one and had tried it again earlier, which was useful.

Although I am a sucker for fiction, I will also read non-fiction as it does give a lot of perspective on different things and also fuel to brag during gatherings.

Currently, I am on page no. 353 of “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: A Trilogy in Three Parts” by Douglas Adams. It is the funniest book I have ever read. I enjoy reading it whenever I do read it. Hence, I will complete it in some time by beginning with 10 pages a day and will definitely write about it the day I complete it.

3. Practice Keyboard for Half an Hour:

My vision is to be able to create musical notes on my own after listening to a song and play, seemingly, in an effortless manner, alone or in front of my friends.

I used to learn the Indian classical music on the keyboard when I was in 8^th grade. I left it after a year because I did not enjoy practicing. (Yes. I am lazy since forever). My consistency of not being consistence prevents me to be consistent at anything.

Anyways, I found the keyboard at my home during the lockdown. I opened my notes and realized that I still remember how to play. I began playing almost everyday for fun. It also gave me confidence as I was able to remember the notes with practice and made me think that my memory is not that bad.

I began watching Youtube videos to learn different songs but found it difficult because I did not know how to read western music notes or play it as it involves chords. So I found a music teacher online and he is teaching me through Zoom. Yes, it is not the same as learning in person but these are the Zoom times. I was excited to learn chords. Playing also gave me a dopamine rush as I could immediately see the effect of practicing a few times, which pushed me to practice.

Also, learning to play with both hands simultaneously will activate the two hemispheres of my brain and increase my mental capacity along with my confidence.

However, after a few days, I stopped practicing as the consistency made me bored and I began procrastinating. I made excuses to skip class, even though I had paid in advance. So I have decided to practice at least half an hour everyday of whatever Sir has taught. I already know that practicing it will make me play better each time as I have seen the results earlier.

4. Exercise for 15 mins a Day:

I have actually become fat with a belly. My clothes of the past year do not fit me anymore. I have tried a lot to exercise but I fail consistently. Nevertheless, I am beginning again. I will exercise for at least 15 mins a day. I will do my neck exercises first and then progress from there. Baby-steps.

5. Skin care:

I envision my face to be pimple free, blemish free and glow.

I have not included this in my to-do list yet, but I will. It is cold and I am avoiding washing my face with a face wash at night, which I used to do before. This is resulting in more pimples. Hence, from now on, I will heat some water, mix it and wash my face every night and use a toner to close pores and prevent pimples, as my parlor lady advised me.

I have also impulsively ordered a Tea Tree Night Lotion and Tea Tree Night Mask from BodyShop. I already use their Tea Tree Face Wash and I love it. I hope the other two are also good as they are quite expensive for my budget.

I will include them in my nightly skin care routine when they arrive and hope to fulfill my vision. I know only using products don’t result in miracles and I should drink plenty of water and eat right, which is also something that I am trying.

We come to an end of my every day to-do list rant. I am already feeling overwhelmed again as apart from all these, I have work too. Lol. My therapist did tell me that my personality type is such that I just keep procrastinating about doing something and it overwhelms me so much that I do not end up doing anything. She advised me to stop thinking and just do it. The list will help me.

I am trying to think about them as very small and least time consuming tasks, which they are actually.

The time is 1:10 am on the 29^th of November, 2020. However, this entry will be counted as that of 28^th November as I began writing at 11:45 pm on that date.

Here’s to writing again on the 29^th, hopefully before midnight. Cheers!

P.S. I might change the main title of the series from Pyaaz Musings to anything else I want to, depending on my intentions. However, I will not stop numbering the series.