#20 Pyaaz Bytes: Rollercoaster of Everything

Hello Readers!

I am back again, which I say in a lot of my blogs as I am pretty inconsistent. Right now I took the decision to write because I was feeling a lot of feelings, most prominently shitty about myself. I was thinking about restarting my writing today but did not do anything about it. However, I was chatting with a friend about writing blogs and then I just thought to take action without over-thinking it. So here I am.

The title “Rollercoaster of Everything” depicts my mental and emotional journey of today, or from yesterday till right now as it is 1:45 am already.

I was PMSing since the past 5 days and they are the most disoriented days for me, even worse than when the periods actually arrive. I am unable to sleep during these days at all, my mind is restless, my body keeps giving me false alarms for periods and the abdominal region just feels so strange and tense. It drives me crazy. I am so high strung during these times that I either feel extremely sad or extremely happy with an undertone of sadness about everything.

Fortunately, my periods arrived today and the cramps have replaced the restlessness of my body. However, my mind is still restless and high strung.

I feel happy about making a video on my experience with the menstrual cup and am thinking of ideas to make more videos on different topics, make review videos of different brands of menstrual cups if someone finances me because otherwise I keep wondering that why am I doing it. I want to do it but I am unable to figure out what benefit will I gain from it in future. This is what I keep thinking about everything and I think that it hampers my proactiveness and risk taking abilities. The over-thinking leads to less energy left for action.

I want to do so many things in life but I feel I am unable to do anything. So many thoughts keep running through my head all the time which hampers my focus and my ability to convey my thoughts clearly, especially while speaking. I feel like leaving my current job and start working in social media marketing or content writing. However, I feel that I am just being impulsive about it because I find my current job difficult. Also, starting in a new field from scratch would not pay me enough along with the fear of not being successful in those fields.

Hence, I decided to read, write and make videos as a hobby. There is time and dedication required even to pursue a hobby. I keep making plans to make myself consistent. I feel that if I want to read, I should read everyday, I should write everyday and make videos on weekends. All these plans also overwhelm me and I feel like if I start pursuing my hobbies then I won’t be able to concentrate properly on my work or learn data analytics, which I have to in order to progress in my career and find better jobs. I do not understand how do some people do so many things. My brain starts feeling tired when I think a lot :P.

I was oscillating between feeling good and bad about myself. I felt bad due to some things said by someone and it made me feel that no one values me, when I know that there are people who do value me but then my mind says that might not be true. Such contradictions. Wow.

I am also facing series of defeats in terms of my current job and finding a new job. Everything is just making me tense. I feel like I am not working properly at my current job. Even when I work, I doubting about everything being wrong, I am unable to focus and nothing I do will make a any difference.

I was thinking to start writing again as my mind has forgotten to come up with appropriate words, even in chats. While chatting with a friend today, I was writing in a childish manner and was not able to come up with even simple terms such as enhancement or learning curve. I think if I read and write everyday, my skills will improve. Also, if I make videos frequently with me talking, it might help me with my extreme fear of public speaking. I find this fear funny as I have been on the stage so many times and I like being on stage or speaking but I always get nervous and do not speak properly. I used to get nervous even when I had to speak something in class. My therapist told me that it is the fear of judgement which causes the nervousness. It might be true, though I do not understand why it also happens when I am making videos alone.

I am still brainstorming topics of videos with myself and there are too many thoughts in my mind running unstructured. I can make videos about the books I have read, about different menstrual cups (can only start next month as periods come once a month), make funny or informative tutorials on things. I wonder if I should find a niche or post anything I want in my same account. Posting content on a new account will be time taking as I will have to get new followers etc. and will get very less views initially. Also, is it really necessary to have a forte? To be honest, I do not know.

I hate the self-help books and “motivational speakers”. However, I like listening to practical suggestions and lifestyle changes advocated my some people which also enhances my perspective of life.

It’s around 2:30 am right now. I am sleepy but I also want to finish the book “Girl, Woman and Other” which I have since months and I have still not finished it, like I do with a lot of other things.

I like writing and I have no content except my life. So I want to write about my life. My hope is that there might be others who are in a turmoil like myself and reading my blogs might help them because relatable content helps me a lot and gives me perspective. I also fear that we should not expose ourselves too much on the internet, which made me confused even more. However, I will at least try to write something and post it everyday, even if it’s just one line.

Here’s to 1117 words of my rant. I am not editing this as it is just a rant for today.

To a new beginning. Maybe.

Cheers!

#15 Pyaaz Bytes: Consistency is Key?

Hello Scrollers,

I did not feel like writing yesterday. I did not even feel like writing today and I was about to sleep when suddenly an idea popped into my head and I had to type it out. Also, I was feeling this guilt of not writing, so here I am, typing with a headache because I am drowsy since an hour.

While talking to a friend today, I realized how inconsistent I am at almost everything in life. I say almost because there are some activities which I do everyday- brush my teeth, wash my face, pee , poop and eat. Apart from this and some other necessary physiological activities, which includes Instagram and Whatsapp :P, I find it nearly impossible to be consistent at anything in life.

So many quotes and stories about how consistency changes lives and how it is more important than just being smart. I am neither.

I have been consistent for some days for things which seemed very important to me such as preparing for CAT, or board exams during school. Otherwise, I have prepared for all my exams at the last minute. I do not even feel like going out of the house everyday. I do not feel like talking to people everyday. I cannot maintain a consistent sleep schedule. The things I promised I would do everyday are not happening anymore such as reading or keyboard. I want to reduce weight but I am unable to follow a diet or exercise everyday. I wanted to consult an expert for it but then did not because I know I would not be consistent and waste my money.

Hell, I am not even consistent at having fun. At college also, some days I wanted to have fun with friends, but when it became everyday, it just set me off, even if I was free. This problem has affected me in a lot of ways, even in relationships.

My therapist told me that this happens to me because I think a lot before doing anything and I think so much that my energy is gone before I could actually do it. That includes even small things like just getting up to put my phone to charge. Her advice to me was to just do it. It’s easier said than done but it did work for a while. I think because I did not think much, I just opened my laptop and started typing now, no matter how mindlessly. But guess what? I was not consistent at it either. I do not do the things I like everyday just because I have no clue. It just how my mind works. Maybe it is the same thing which triggers my escapism. I do not know.

I have to force myself so much to do simple things, which just scares me all the time. I do not understand how a lot of people work so hard make a big name for themselves. I wonder if I will remain like this forever and how will I survive like this or have a good life if I continue like this. Will I ever be able to reach my goals and fulfill my dreams?

Can we be successful in life by not being consistent? Is there some other way for me to make things work? I have no clue. All I can do is try consistently. 😛

Here’s to 482 words of Day 15. Cheers!

#2 Pyaaz Bytes : Mundane Stuff

Hello Scrollers,

Here I am, adhering to my commitment of writing 200 words a day. It is only the second day and I was procrastinating as I had nothing to write. Yet, I have decided to complete the bare minimum and keep up with my self-promise.

I was just checking out any other blogging websites which might be better than WordPress as I am not loving the overall look of the blog. Then I found that the best and most user-friendly website is WordPress. Wow. I will check the settings and see what I can tweak the look in the free version.

I could not exercise today as my left shoulder is aching since 2 days. I just did the neck movements and decided to give my shoulder a rest. I did take painkillers as the pain was killing me. I hope it heals soon so that I can start my exercise.

I am also thinking about joining a gym as my pants from 2 months ago are not fitting me anymore. But it might be unsafe during pandemic. I just do not want to be the reason for making my family sick of the virus, they are already sick of me.

I tried to wake up early in the morning today but could not because I slept very late. I hope to sleep earlier than usual tonight and wake up early tomorrow. It’s one of the most difficult tasks for me as I simply lying on the bed makes me feel very restless. In the morning, I feel so tired that I let myself believe that if I wake up early then I would feel tired all day. However, I have to try everyday to achieve it and I will.

I did practice keyboard. My Sir had sent me notes of “Tum Hi Ho” from Aashiqui 2, which is a beautiful song. I am able to play effortlessly with the right hand but unable to play the chords. I need a lot more practice. Practice is the key here. My mind keeps telling me to quit the chords as it is very difficult for me.

“When the going gets tough, I get going”.

I always want to find a way out of any discomfort. It is my habit. I quit too easy on a lot of things since childhood. It is a pattern in me. Still, I am convincing it to not give up so easily as I have not practiced much.I do feel bad that I cancelled the class today but the sprain was making it difficult to play. Also, to be honest, I had only practiced today and was not able to play properly. I will definitely join the next class.

My reading of 10 pages is still left. Along with my skin care, which I will do after posting this.

I managed to write 488 words. Yay!

Here’s to a good Day Two. Cheers!