Shitposting

Yes. This post is what it says. It is a shit post and this is I, a shit poster, who is shit posting on my own blog because why not. Well all my other posts can be categorized as shit posts too, which I did feel when I read them recently. I literally cringed at my own posts, which I wrote just a few months ago. I am sure I am gonna cringe at this post too, but who cares. Well, I do but anyways.

I realized today for the nth time that my writing skills have just become too shitty. It takes me hours to come up with good original formal sentences, there is no flair and I just prefer copy pasting rather than writing anything original. Maybe it’s fear or maybe I am just fucking stupid, I have no clue. So I thought of writing my blog again cause I haven’t written anything in such a long time. Will this random writing help me improve my game? I have no clue. However, (I didn’t use but here. hah!) I love to rant anyways and people won’t listen to me if I say it to them, so why not write it. Will I love it if someone reviews my writing and encourages me more? Obviously. Will I be heart broken if they ask for too many changes? Definitely.

Wow! I am at a loss now as to what to write. I am so damn confused all the time about everything. I really need to work on myself. Will I post about it? Well, I want to….but I am also afraid cause it’s too personal. I know anyone will hardly read it, but if I do become famous one day, everyone will know about my depressies :P. Man! that was mean, even for me. What is wrong with me? A lot of trauma! How to make it right? Lots of therapy and self work, which I am trying but it does take a lot of time and mental energy. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am doomed for life, but if I was, I wouldn’t have got the help I needed and chances to improve and make my life better.

“Suffering has a reason” and I do believe in that. I am in no way romanticizing suffering of people due to poverty, sickness or mental health issues or anything else. It’s not fair. However, I am just trying to make sense of my own suffering because I am trying to improve and change my situation here, using all the privilege I have because I am lucky that way and I am thankful for that. I just realised that I write very long sentences. Will try to improve on that front too.

I hope to sleep properly today as I have been having very disturbed sleep since days. Hope to write again soon.

P.S. I ate some cheese today and I am lactose intolerant. I am already very gassy and I might die of diarrhea tonight. So I will see you if I don’t.

#20 Pyaaz Bytes: Rollercoaster of Everything

Hello Readers!

I am back again, which I say in a lot of my blogs as I am pretty inconsistent. Right now I took the decision to write because I was feeling a lot of feelings, most prominently shitty about myself. I was thinking about restarting my writing today but did not do anything about it. However, I was chatting with a friend about writing blogs and then I just thought to take action without over-thinking it. So here I am.

The title “Rollercoaster of Everything” depicts my mental and emotional journey of today, or from yesterday till right now as it is 1:45 am already.

I was PMSing since the past 5 days and they are the most disoriented days for me, even worse than when the periods actually arrive. I am unable to sleep during these days at all, my mind is restless, my body keeps giving me false alarms for periods and the abdominal region just feels so strange and tense. It drives me crazy. I am so high strung during these times that I either feel extremely sad or extremely happy with an undertone of sadness about everything.

Fortunately, my periods arrived today and the cramps have replaced the restlessness of my body. However, my mind is still restless and high strung.

I feel happy about making a video on my experience with the menstrual cup and am thinking of ideas to make more videos on different topics, make review videos of different brands of menstrual cups if someone finances me because otherwise I keep wondering that why am I doing it. I want to do it but I am unable to figure out what benefit will I gain from it in future. This is what I keep thinking about everything and I think that it hampers my proactiveness and risk taking abilities. The over-thinking leads to less energy left for action.

I want to do so many things in life but I feel I am unable to do anything. So many thoughts keep running through my head all the time which hampers my focus and my ability to convey my thoughts clearly, especially while speaking. I feel like leaving my current job and start working in social media marketing or content writing. However, I feel that I am just being impulsive about it because I find my current job difficult. Also, starting in a new field from scratch would not pay me enough along with the fear of not being successful in those fields.

Hence, I decided to read, write and make videos as a hobby. There is time and dedication required even to pursue a hobby. I keep making plans to make myself consistent. I feel that if I want to read, I should read everyday, I should write everyday and make videos on weekends. All these plans also overwhelm me and I feel like if I start pursuing my hobbies then I won’t be able to concentrate properly on my work or learn data analytics, which I have to in order to progress in my career and find better jobs. I do not understand how do some people do so many things. My brain starts feeling tired when I think a lot :P.

I was oscillating between feeling good and bad about myself. I felt bad due to some things said by someone and it made me feel that no one values me, when I know that there are people who do value me but then my mind says that might not be true. Such contradictions. Wow.

I am also facing series of defeats in terms of my current job and finding a new job. Everything is just making me tense. I feel like I am not working properly at my current job. Even when I work, I doubting about everything being wrong, I am unable to focus and nothing I do will make a any difference.

I was thinking to start writing again as my mind has forgotten to come up with appropriate words, even in chats. While chatting with a friend today, I was writing in a childish manner and was not able to come up with even simple terms such as enhancement or learning curve. I think if I read and write everyday, my skills will improve. Also, if I make videos frequently with me talking, it might help me with my extreme fear of public speaking. I find this fear funny as I have been on the stage so many times and I like being on stage or speaking but I always get nervous and do not speak properly. I used to get nervous even when I had to speak something in class. My therapist told me that it is the fear of judgement which causes the nervousness. It might be true, though I do not understand why it also happens when I am making videos alone.

I am still brainstorming topics of videos with myself and there are too many thoughts in my mind running unstructured. I can make videos about the books I have read, about different menstrual cups (can only start next month as periods come once a month), make funny or informative tutorials on things. I wonder if I should find a niche or post anything I want in my same account. Posting content on a new account will be time taking as I will have to get new followers etc. and will get very less views initially. Also, is it really necessary to have a forte? To be honest, I do not know.

I hate the self-help books and “motivational speakers”. However, I like listening to practical suggestions and lifestyle changes advocated my some people which also enhances my perspective of life.

It’s around 2:30 am right now. I am sleepy but I also want to finish the book “Girl, Woman and Other” which I have since months and I have still not finished it, like I do with a lot of other things.

I like writing and I have no content except my life. So I want to write about my life. My hope is that there might be others who are in a turmoil like myself and reading my blogs might help them because relatable content helps me a lot and gives me perspective. I also fear that we should not expose ourselves too much on the internet, which made me confused even more. However, I will at least try to write something and post it everyday, even if it’s just one line.

Here’s to 1117 words of my rant. I am not editing this as it is just a rant for today.

To a new beginning. Maybe.

Cheers!

#14 Pyaaz Bytes: Anger Mismanagement

There are times when you are angry at so many things at once, that you cannot really say what is making you angry. You feel that you are just angry for no reason. Today is that day for me.

These kind of days are not a rarity for me. They often come out of the blue, or so I think, and go as per their wish. When it came today, I just blamed it on hormones, like always, even though my periods are weeks away. So I decided to think about the reasons for my anger as I write. Please bear with me, if you wish. #consentismandatory

I am angry because I had a very disturbed sleep last night. Technically it’s today morning as I slept at 3:30 am and woke up at 11. My sleep was getting frequently broken and I have been feeling drowsy and cranky since I woke up.

I am angry because I am slacking and I did not write my blog last night. In my defense, I was busy making a “This or That” challenge video with my cousin sister and it took 3 hours to make and edit a 30 second reel. And people think making videos is easy. The sad part is that the video did not garner as many views as I expected and I am unable to think to any new ideas to make a good video. All this made me angrier. Hmph!

I am angry because I watched a video by Swaddle today about how women who are out of their houses after dark for work or anything are considered as “bad women” and they are blamed if they are harassed and raped my men. The “Akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai” shit being propagated since centuries.

We, the human species, are so stupid that we have believed this logically flawed argument since centuries and that too universally. I mean, women are not safe even in their own homes. Sexual harassment by family members is such a common occurrence. Why is the onus on being safe is on women and not on the men who harass them? Women with short clothes, women at night, women with a boy, women with anyone wearing anything and doing anything are unsafe everywhere. Should all women just not exist? We have been suppressing half the population of the world with these illogical arguments since times immemorial and still such little conversation and action is happening to change discourse.

I got a few DMs due to my comment on the video. The ones by a few girls were quite encouraging. One guy blamed it on education and environment and said that just telling men won’t solve anything. He was right. It would not solve anything. But does that mean we keep blaming women and not put the onus of sexual harassment on men? Hell No!!

Environment is not some alien thing on which we do not have control. We make the environment and the environment is patriarchal which leads to toxic masculinity and suppression of women. He also said that men who rape are not from good backgrounds and are mentally unstable. That argument is heavily flawed. The so called “elite” and “educated” people also rape and harass women. There are several incidents of sexual harassment in academia by PhD supervisors and professors.

Moreover, rape is the ultimate form of violence which is done to show power over women. There are so many other forms of oppression such as eve teasing, slut shaming, not allowing freedom to women in household, marital rape, not allowing girls to work or study, not allowing them to go out at night “for their own safety”. Marital rape is not even a crime in India.

I personally have lost so many opportunities in life because I cannot go outside late at night, I cannot go to some places alone, or I cannot do a particular kind of work because it might not be safe. I spend extra money to find “safe” hotels and transportation when I travel, while a lot of my male friends simply hitchhike and stay wherever they want.

My parents do not let me do a lot of things because “it is unsafe”. Yes, it is unsafe. It is unsafe because of the men who have made it unsafe. My suffering because of them is what patriarchy wants and its not my fault. It is unfair and screwed up and it makes me angry almost every single day of my life.

I was about to make a joke here that I am ranting, but it is not a rant. It is the reality which many women face and feel angry about it. If they do not feel angry about it, they should and channelize the anger towards the cause of freedom.

Yes, freedom because women are not free, and the sole reason is patriarchy. Yes, women are patriarchal too. If men had not lured women into patriarchy, it would not have existed. It is high time we recognize the hell-hole we have created and do something about it, even if it is radical because the problem is not getting solved.

I feel as if the root cause of racism, sexism and casteism is similar. I am not saying that the three problems are same and there is intersectionality, but the root cause is suppression of the supposed “weaker” sections. Who originated this shit of sexism? I have no clue. I would really like to know the history though.

So, these are the major reasons which have made me angry today. Patriarchy makes me angry everyday though. It should make us all angry. Feminism for me is being able to walk on the streets at night or any time without feeling scared.

I thought writing about it would calm me down but I am more triggered than ever lol. I will just listen to O Sanam by Lucky Ali for the tenth time today and eat Kurkure.

Here’s to 1011 words of Day 14. Cheers!

And fuck Patriarchy. Or fart on it.

#10 Pyaaz Bytes – Trashy and Tired

Hello Scrollers,

I know I had promised to post the improved version of the piece I had written for my workshop but I did not. This is because I am suddenly swamped with work. It’s funny how I was cribbing last week that I am bored because of no work and now the floodgates have opened, so I am cribbing because of too much work. My life is just giving me everything in extremes, and by everything, I mean only the things I do not want.

So my mind is tired because I have been reading research papers all day, with no clue as to what is to be done after consuming all that shitload of knowledge. Research just feels like a convoluted labyrinth created by Satan. The more you try to figure it out, the more it traps you.

In other news, I realized today that all men in my life are trash #notallmen. Yes, I do not mean all men of the world, I just mean that those in my life are trash. Even the ones I thought are not trash turned out to be trash, which I realized today due to some incidents which I cannot talk about here.

I know someone (if anyone reads my rants) might say in their head that it is because I am trash. However, after using my research abilities and logic of deduction, I have deduced that the women in my life are not trash. It’s only the men.

It’s not me, it’s them. #menaretrashineedcash

ME

My faith in people is just about to hit rock bottom and it is not something I am aiming. I guess that is life for some people.

In more other news, I am keeping up with my skin care regime. I received my BodyShop Tea Tree Face Mask and Night cream 5 days ago. I have used the face mask twice, including today. On the other days, I am using the night cream after cleansing with BodyShop face wash and toning with a Plum alcohol free toner, as toners with alcohol tend to make the skin dry. No, I have no plans to become a beauty blogger, neither am I promoting BodyShop. I do wish they paid me though.

I also did my neck exercises today. I was feeling very drowsy after I woke up, even though I slept for more than 7 hours. I will have to find the right time to wake up undisturbed, according to my sleep cycle and set the alarm appropriately.

Post breakfast naps are highly underrated. Let’s start a petition and tweet with #napsnotwaps. Hurry!

Tweet

Here’s to 449 words of Day 10. Cheers!

#8 Pyaaz Bytes: Periods- The Period Putter

Hello Scrollers,

I used to wonder why menstruation was called periods in the colloquial term. Someone said that it is called “periods” because it is something which happens periodically, i.e., once in a month. I believed it.

But it is now that I understand the true meaning of the term – it brings a halt or a puts a period to one’s normal routine.

Periods lead to increased drowsiness as the blood loss tires the body. It is difficult to exercise because of the pain. I sufficed with only my neck movements today.

Periods leads to uneasiness, making it difficult to work.

The mood swings and irritation makes it difficult to interact with people. Even if you are not working, one can face difficulty in just spending the day because of the pain, uneasiness and mood swings.

It hurts to lay down, to sit or to stand up. The most useful thing I find is to distract oneself with any movie or TV show but then I didn’t even feel like watching anything. I did not even watch Zindagi Gulzar Hai.

Plus I had work and guests coming and family members asking why am I so glum even after I clearly stated the reason… So yeah, not a great day.

I had a few topics in mind to write about such as a full musing on Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives and another on Male Privilege. I will write about the latter very soon. I also want to write a musing on the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy after I finish it but I have been reading it since so long that I have forgotten a lot of it.

I was thinking about time management today. How I waste my precious minutes in checking my phone unnecessarily and get lost into it for 10-15 minutes, and then pick it up again after 5 minutes. It has become a bad habit and I need to get over it. The reason I want to get over is that I suddenly have a lot of work now, along with which I wish to accomplish other things too and not ignore my keyboard, reading and writing.

I do think that I will have to ditch the keyboard for a while as I am not enjoying it that much as of now. I learnt what I did not know- reading Western music sheets and basics of chords. I don’t think continuing the class will help me anymore, though I have paid for the whole month. I will think about it.

Here’s to 427 words of Day 8. Cheers!

Book Musing (My Feminist Perspective)- Sita:Warrior of Mithila by Amish

What comes to your mind when you hear the name Sita?

Ram’s wife who got kidnapped by Raavan? Or the name you always used in school while making up sentences and stories which had a girl in it?

Fortunately, Amish’s book highlights much more about the mythological character, who is usually epitomized as the “perfect wife”.

While reading a book or watching a movie or a show, I have a habit of paying close attention towards the portrayal of women in them. Most of the times, it reflects the condition of women in that period, and sometimes, the creator attempts to propagate their idea of it.

The male and female are like the two wings of a bird and when both wings are reinforced with the same impulse, the bird of humanity will be enabled to soar heaven-ward to the summit of progress.

 – Abdu’l-Baha, Divine Philosophy, p. 82.

I would like to believe that Amish is attempting to propagate the above philosophy, among many others, through his book Sita: The Warrior of Mithila. It is the second book of the Ram Chandra Series, published by  Westland Publications in 2017.

The current book narrates the life of Sita, an individual, a princess, a Prime Minister and a Vishnu. She is as capable as Ram, who is in awe of her because of her qualities, and they get married for love.

I highly appreciate the reflection of feminism in the book. Ram and Sita, and also the other characters, believe that they can be equal partners. They believe that they together can inspire the nation and bring back its glory. Both man and woman, can together, be the Vishnu.

Women are not mere props in the book and they are not discriminated against, almost anywhere. If they are capable, they are allowed to rule. Other major female characters such as Sita’s mother, Sunaina, the slum dweller, Samichi and also Sita’s friend, Radhika, the trader  Manthara,  are shown as individuals who are not discriminated against because of their gender and are at good positions in the administration. Even Urmila, Sita’s sister, who is shown as a delicate girl, chooses to live as a housewife. It was not forced upon her.

The beauty about feminism is that it is not about glorification of women and bashing of men. It is about treating both the genders equally and giving equal rights and freedom to both.

This book, quite ingeniously, displays the philosophy. The male characters in the book are not belittled or used as props. They are shown as equally efficient and possess freedom of choice, for example,  King Janak chooses to pay more attention to philosophy rather than administration.

Also, the first book of the series, “Ram- The Scion of Ikshvaku” narrated the early life of the Ayodhya prince in a similar, brilliant manner.

Another part of the story which got etched in my mind is the conversation between Bharat and Sita, wherein they discuss the Masculine way of life and the Feminine way of life. The words are not related to gender but different ideologies. Here, Sita talks in favour of the Masculine way of life, which has rigid rules and there is more certainty.

On the other hand, Bharat supports the Feminine way of life, in which there is an underlying belief that people are capable of finding a balance on their own. There are rules, but people possess freedom to choose and also change them, and this freedom helps them find a balance. (Reading the book will help you get a better understanding).

The book, efficiently, represents many opposing views, ideas and philosophies, and shows how people think and choose,  and what can be their consequences.

After reading this page-turner, I am eagerly waiting for the third book of the series- Raavan: Orphan of Aryavarta,  and how all the incidents of the three books will culminate in the untitled fourth book.

The best part about Amish’s books is the realistic touch he gives to mythological characters, who are supposed to possess supernatural powers, due to which they are revered as Gods. Amish taught me that anyone can become great due to their abilities, Karma and a belief in themselves. His books made me believe in myself.

Will return with more musings soon. Till then, don’t cry over dead onions.

Adieu.

P.S. None of my write-ups are paid. I am not that popular,yet. 😛

Book Musings #1: Chandni Begum

He who should search for the pearls must dive below. Hence, I dived into the book and struck gold.

Although we know many realities, we acknowledge only the most convenient one.

Although we think several thoughts, we acknowledge the only the socially acceptable ones. This reality is portrayed brilliantly in the Jnanpith Award-winning book “Chandni Begum” by Qurratullain Hyder.

“Chandni Begum”, written by Qurratulain Hyder, was originally published in Urdu in 1989. The translated version by Saleem Kidwai was published by Women Unlimited in 2017.

The tale closes in on the lives and struggles of Qambar, Bela, Safia and Chandni Begum, and several people related to them, transcending through decades, ranging from the partition towards the end of the twentieth century. Several themes such as the impact of partition, struggles of aristocracy, the growing poverty of artists, the romantic revolutionaries, Marxism, conditions of women, the Tinsel town, the Colonial hangover, Mandir-Majid riots, and death, are presented beautifully in this 340 pages deep gold mine, offering a riveting tale of the turmoil in the country and among the people’s minds and hearts.

 Social psychology across decades is portrayed so magically in the story, I could not help but muse. The actions and reactions of all kinds of people- rich, poor, dying, vicious, saintly, politicians and so many others,  which is still relevant, and I guess, will always be.

How our thoughts about the “What ifs” of life can lead us to our own death. How the “socialists”, who persevere to build a class-less society comment about “low-class”  people achieving high status. How we think that we are liberal and modern, but our speech and actions, due to decades of conditioning, display otherwise. How the Us vs Them thinking pattern is ruining the world. How rumors lead to riots and how our magic sky people are actually ruling our minds and turning us into beasts. How things change and the ones who are unable to change successfully with time wither away. How only the victorious are celebrated and everything else is forgotten. Ironically (or maybe not) I had picked up this book from the book-fair as “Winner of the Jnanpith Award, 1989” printed on the cover assured my mind that it must be good. The display of the frailty of human mind, at its best.

Although slow paced, it becomes exciting at times and takes unexpected twists and turns, which might make the reader wonder if anything else is left to continue the story, but it does continue, threading every part beautifully like a pearl necklace.

I would highly recommend people to read this book if you are looking for an adventurous and contemporary non-fictitious fiction.

Will be back with another review soon. Adieu.

P.S. Check out the few thought provoking excerpts from the book.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.